I woke up at 4:30 am this morning. Not my idea of morning, but after laying in bed for nearly an hour more and realizing my brain was on and my husband's loud breathing was annoying me the more I lay there...I decided to get up. My creative brain had turned on and thoughts were flowing. I could choose to get up and tap in, or continue to try and turn if off which is where anxiety often has a doorway in--especially when sleep doesn't return., I have let anxiety win for too long. But while it would seem logical to tap into the creativity, it scares me. Where will it take me/us? (I'm not in control.) And so I try to contain it, stop it, push it back, resist it, press it back where it came from, give it parameters (not now...maybe later). So to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep gives me a choice...to be annoyed, anxious (that I'm awake not sleeping) or just say yes to the creative flow that is roaring inside (it feels like a river. Time to get out my inner tube and ride it.)
Where will this creative flow take me (us)? Maybe no where. Maybe somewhere. Maybe just to the computer at 5 am.
But instead of blocking it I decided to get up. To wake up. To show up. To ride it. To embrace it.
Recently I was at a women's retreat and the lady taught us a song. Very simple, not my favorite tune, and I felt silly singing it with hand motions and all...but the song got stuck in my head. "I step into the flow let everything go, I open my heart, my mind and my soul..." This silly (annoying) song greeted me at 5 am as I tossed and turned trying to go back to sleep. (If it weren't for my husband's stopped up nose and loud breathing I might be asleep right now...)
Step into the flow, let everything go...
Yesterday I was at the grocery store and ran into a woman from church. We don't know each other very well, but we know each other well enough to have an awkward conversation in the bacon aisle. We both said hi and then she filled the space with words. The more she talked, the more I felt the awkwardness of wishing I knew what to say. Wishing I could connect in a more meaningful way. But in the end my hands hung by my sides and I made some stupid comment about bacon. We parted, probably both relieved that our conversation had ended. This conversation came back to me at somewhere around 4:45 am. Why? I think I was reminded that I didn't step into the flow. I didn't reach out and give her a hug. I didn't open myself up to the Spirit of God that wants to connect us to each other. The spirit of grace, the spirit of love, the spirit of connection. Instead I engaged from my head. I awkwardly fumbled for words I didn't have to fill a conversation neither of us knew how to have, and yet we didn't know how to reach out and say "real connection would be nice..."
Yep, these are the kinds of things I think about when I can't sleep. Those missed moments of opportunity to show up. Those times when I wish I had had more courage to step out of the societal norms that say "act like this, say this, do this...because that is culturally acceptable" All those things you want to do? Ignore them. They are weird. Don't be weird. Be normal.
What is normal? I ask. I have lived in Southeast Asia for 1/4 of my life. And to be fair...half of my adult life. I'm not sure I know what is normal. And is normal even normal? What if I am hiding my gifts by trying to be normal? What if I am holding back the flow of creative energy within me?
What if we all are? I am not suggesting that I have an amazing creative flow that others don't. I actually think we all have a creative energy within us. This creative energy is not the same for you or me. But because I believe we were all created by a Creator, I have this idea that creativity is within us. Creativity is what brings new things into existence in our world. Creativity is what makes things new again. Creativity is what brings us spring after a long winter. Creativity is the color, the music, the flow that keeps us moving forward in hope. Keeps us believing that life is worth living. That there must be more than talk about bacon. There must be more than just getting out of bed every day to go to a job you don't like. Or for my kids, there is more than just getting up to go to school everyday because adults want kids to have a boring life. (That is what my kids have said to me about school...)
What if we stepped into the flow, and let everything go? What if we stopped living the "I should be..." story lines and asked "What do I want? What do I long for?" I tell myself I should be asleep right now...not up writing and I feel anxiety. Fear.
I say "no, I want to let this creative flow out for once...see where it takes me..." and I am free.
To step into the flow is scary. Where will it take me (us)? I am not in control. It requires putting my feet into the river.
But it might feel something like adventure too...
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