how do I know when it's time to make a big decision that will take us in new directions? There is an invitation to step out into the unknown, and it's scary. Part of me wants to say yes to adventure, the unknown, to practice faith. But the other part of me wants to stay where it is comfortable, known, stable, sure. How can I be sure we aren't crazy to leave what is comfortable and make a big decision to change things up? I am asking myself these questions as I find myself on the edge right now. For nearly three years we have created a comfortable home and life in Florida. It was not an easy transition from life overseas, but slowly we found ourselves appreciating what life has to offer us here. We enjoy the beach, our friends, our church, our home. Why change things up? Why not stick around and keep enjoying these things?
What is this tug at my heart?...
As I have been on a personal journey towards wellbeing I have found myself drawn to minister to others. To encourage others on their own journeys. To walk alongside others who are suffering. To share what I have experienced with others. Can't I do that here in Florida? Sure...but for whatever reason I am not content here. I feel a deep wrestling in my soul that says "step out..." And it resonates in that deep place of longing.
But where there is excitement there is also fear. As I lay in bed last night unable to sleep I found myself telling God "I don't want to go anywhere..." Is that a bit like Moses? God was asking Moses to go back to help free the Israelites from their bondage. But Moses argued with God. "I can't speak!!" And God responded "so I'll give you a friend to speak for you. You will tell him what to say." God didn't let Moses off the hook easily, because this was what Moses had been created for. From the very beginning of his life, God had a plan for Moses.
Right now I find myself in that wrestling match with God. I feel the excitement of the invitation, but I feel the fear of saying yes to what all it will mean. It will not ask only part of me, it will ask for all of me.
But when God invites us to step out and move towards him, it is a good thing. He is for us, he is for life. We are saying yes to love, to life, to surrender, to letting go...
I want to say yes. And yet, I am still wrestling. But ultimately, I want to trust that God is here even in the wrestling. He is meeting me here, and continuing to prepare me for the ultimate surrender to what he has for me/for us. And I believe that I will say yes. But that doesn't imply there is no struggle. Just as childbirth is struggle which brings forth life and beauty, I think many beautiful things come from the struggle. Is it ever easy to step into trust? Is it ever easy to let go and surrender? But we do it because we feel something deep within us saying "yes, I want more than the predictable controlled stable life I am living. I want to live a life of surrender and trust. I want to experience the deep joy and love and life that God gives..."
Lord, have mercy on me, help me in my struggle to trust. Be patient with me until I can say yes with my whole being. May it be so.
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