Advent is a season of waiting. The time we prepare for Christmas. In tangible ways we are buying presents, decorating our homes, and listening to songs that get us in the mood. But deeper down, I think the question remains of how are we preparing our hearts and clearing the way for the real gift of Christmas?
I wonder if some people stop celebrating Christmas because they've given up on the idea that there is anything good coming at Christmas.
What are we really waiting for?
Every year we put up the tree, put the lights up and hang the ornaments. We may even set out a nativity scene. We do the same thing each year--do you ever wonder why? Or perhaps you've even stopped practicing some of these traditions (who likes putting the tree back in the box when the season is over?!!)
Do we still believe that there is something to hope for in life? has the waiting become too long for our weary souls? Are we living in parched times where the only things that seem like the answers are what the shopping malls and amazon tell us will bring us and our loved ones joy this Christmas? Is there anything more for our hungry souls and minds? Is there really any good news worth celebrating Christmas for?
I feel thoughtful as we put our own tree up. The boys were so excited to get the tree out of its box (no real trees here!) and woke us up at 7 am the day after Thanksgiving. By 9 or 10 am our tree was fully lit and decorated, and with only a smidgen of help from an adult. Their childlike excitement was in the air, even if mom and dad weren't encouraging it. (Some holiday music thanks to iTunes helped set the mood for mom and dad). And then the step back...admiring the tree. Beauty.
And then we wait. "How many days until Christmas?" Noah asked. And this question could never come up with a satisfactory answer as in a 5 year old's brain, weeks are hard to process. So we broke it down to days. Of course, anything greater than 1-2 days seems like eternity to a child.
But wait is all we can do. (And as adults we know that really 25 days is hardly any time at all to wait...we've been doing this so long that we know it comes and goes like the blink of an eye).
So what do we do while we wait? And what are we really waiting for? Those 20 minutes on Christmas morning when the presents are opened, and then it's all over? Days and days of waiting for this glorious moment, and then it's just a pile of wrapping paper...
What can we learn about this time of waiting? Can it not be the place of great joy as we anticipate the coming of a little baby? The arrival of a baby at the end of 9 months of carrying and "knowing" this little child. The anticipation of labor--something that brings fear, yet also joy to the waiting parents.
But do we have hope or despair as we wait? Do we feel a sense of dread as we wait? Perhaps nothing good will come after all this waiting? Or do we still have a childlike wonder...that life really does have good things at the end of a long wait? There really is something worth waiting for--something we cannot hurry and buy or fix, something we must hope for and believe will come.
What are you waiting for? A new job, a raise? Or maybe you're waiting for the depression to lift, or the anxiety to go away. Waiting for a friend, or a spouse to share life with. Waiting for things to get better.
Do you have hope as you wait? Do you still believe in the goodness that will come after the wait? Or do you feel despair? The wait has felt so long, or everything seems to point to disappointment. In a time when waiting is hard, when we can push a 1 click button on amazon to buy the thing that may bring momentary happiness, waiting is more important than ever. Our souls are hungry. If we stop for a moment and reflect, we will see, there is something we are still waiting for. Something that is still calling our childlike wonder to hope. Can we not allow the Christmas lights to beckon us to hope? That there really is something Good worth waiting for.
And he is faithful...he will not fail any of us in the waiting.
And still, we wait.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Friday, November 7, 2014
on doing and being
One of my least favorite questions these days is "What have you been doing lately?" This question also comes in the form of "what are you up to?" etc. And in all its forms, I struggle to give an answer. Is it because I've lived outside of America so long that all my social skills are gone? I can't fake my way through a conversation anymore? Or more likely it's because I'm just not "doing" much that people would be interested in. I'm not working right now...I'm a stay at home mom. So my answer could be something like "I've been cooking, doing dishes, folding laundry, and sitting on the couch reading Facebook for my social life!" Ha ha! But I know that's not the interesting answer the asker is looking for.
And so I just respond with a stutter and a blank face. What's the answer they are looking for? Sometimes I mutter "oh, not much." or I try to fumble through my head in search of what we did recently that might be of interest "well, we actually went fishing yesterday." etc. etc.
But recently I was humored (and admittedly a bit hurt) when a woman who asks me this question every time she sees me answered it for herself.
"Hey Lori, what have you been up to?" I smiled and was quickly trying to think of some reply...and then she cut in with "same ol', same ol'" and then she turned to the person standing next to me.
Wow! That really boxed me in. I felt completely "known" and yet completely "Unknown" if you know what I mean! In just a brief exchange I felt she already had made her conclusion--Lori has nothing going on in her life of interest, and so I'll just go ahead and answer my question for her.
Being that we already feel a bit strange and on the outside here--a natural part of culture reentry shock--it didn't really go over well for me. I came home and relayed the story to Pete. I later told the story again to a friend who knows me and could laugh about it with me.
But why did it hurt me? And why did I find myself analyzing this brief interaction?
I think it's because it touches the heart of what this journey of the past year has been for me.
When we left Laos I had been in the mode of doing for several years. And I always felt like I was falling short. But if you'd asked me, "What have you been doing these days?" I would have had an answer. I could have listed several things off for you. I was doing things.
But I was failing at a lot of the things I was doing. It was not fulfilling my need to be someone. I was only reminded constantly of what I was not doing, not capable of doing, etc.
And one of the first questions I sat with in the beginning of our Sabbatical year was
"Who am I?"
and this one question began to unravel so many layers in me. Began to get to the heart of my longing. What doing could never give me. I could do do do and never know myself, and there could always be an ache inside that would leave me with the question of "Who am I if I can't..."
But this three word question "Who am I?" was one that would begin a journey of healing in me. Set me free.
For the next several months I read books, journaled, thought about this question. And have come to a place where I realize that doing cannot define us. If we try to define who we are by what we do, we will always feel insufficient, not enough, hungry, disappointed, etc. Even if we are doing amazing things that impress others. And when doing defines who we are, and when we live into this, I think anxiety and depression are trailing close behind. Anxiety about keeping it up. Gotta keep doing more. We aren't free to say no. People might not like us. We might disappoint people. So we say yes to way more than we can truly do.
And again, I am reminded of the picture I had just before we left Laos...(if you've been reading my blog some of my stories will start to sound familiar as they weave in and out of my writing)
remember the plate spinner? The lady who is trying to keep more than a dozen plates spinning, but then the nervous breakdown comes when she realizes she CAN NOT SPIN THOSE PLATES ANYMORE! They're going to start crashing down...
ANXIETY!
But this question "Who am I?" was where God could begin to speak to me. Begin to show me that my worth was not at all from what I was doing, or not doing. He simply defined me as his beloved daughter. And if I could begin to know who I was as He saw me, then I could be free! Free of the burden of defining myself (and helping others to define me) by what I was doing.
Free! Who doesn't want to be free?!!!
And the journey continues (I know I say that a lot, but it's so true!)...
I continue to discover and live into the knowledge of who I am defined by my being, not my doing. This is not to say that I don't have to do anything anymore. But my doing is NOT where I will look to be defined. I don't have to prove to you, or others, or God, or myself that I am somebody based on what I do. I am free of this game!!! I get to BE the person I was created to be. And in knowing who I am, I am free to then exist and live out of this reality more and more. To flesh out this being, and becoming. To invite others into knowing who they are.
And so I've thought more of this question that is so much a part of our culture "What are you doing these days?" and have sometimes wondered, what if we asked "How are you being these days?" In a sense, asking how YOU are?
It's in being still, in clearing the desk off, in finding the lost gem of ourselves that we can find life. It's an invitation for all of us...
Do you dare ask yourself "Who am I?"
And so I just respond with a stutter and a blank face. What's the answer they are looking for? Sometimes I mutter "oh, not much." or I try to fumble through my head in search of what we did recently that might be of interest "well, we actually went fishing yesterday." etc. etc.
But recently I was humored (and admittedly a bit hurt) when a woman who asks me this question every time she sees me answered it for herself.
"Hey Lori, what have you been up to?" I smiled and was quickly trying to think of some reply...and then she cut in with "same ol', same ol'" and then she turned to the person standing next to me.
Wow! That really boxed me in. I felt completely "known" and yet completely "Unknown" if you know what I mean! In just a brief exchange I felt she already had made her conclusion--Lori has nothing going on in her life of interest, and so I'll just go ahead and answer my question for her.
Being that we already feel a bit strange and on the outside here--a natural part of culture reentry shock--it didn't really go over well for me. I came home and relayed the story to Pete. I later told the story again to a friend who knows me and could laugh about it with me.
But why did it hurt me? And why did I find myself analyzing this brief interaction?
I think it's because it touches the heart of what this journey of the past year has been for me.
When we left Laos I had been in the mode of doing for several years. And I always felt like I was falling short. But if you'd asked me, "What have you been doing these days?" I would have had an answer. I could have listed several things off for you. I was doing things.
But I was failing at a lot of the things I was doing. It was not fulfilling my need to be someone. I was only reminded constantly of what I was not doing, not capable of doing, etc.
And one of the first questions I sat with in the beginning of our Sabbatical year was
"Who am I?"
and this one question began to unravel so many layers in me. Began to get to the heart of my longing. What doing could never give me. I could do do do and never know myself, and there could always be an ache inside that would leave me with the question of "Who am I if I can't..."
But this three word question "Who am I?" was one that would begin a journey of healing in me. Set me free.
For the next several months I read books, journaled, thought about this question. And have come to a place where I realize that doing cannot define us. If we try to define who we are by what we do, we will always feel insufficient, not enough, hungry, disappointed, etc. Even if we are doing amazing things that impress others. And when doing defines who we are, and when we live into this, I think anxiety and depression are trailing close behind. Anxiety about keeping it up. Gotta keep doing more. We aren't free to say no. People might not like us. We might disappoint people. So we say yes to way more than we can truly do.
And again, I am reminded of the picture I had just before we left Laos...(if you've been reading my blog some of my stories will start to sound familiar as they weave in and out of my writing)
remember the plate spinner? The lady who is trying to keep more than a dozen plates spinning, but then the nervous breakdown comes when she realizes she CAN NOT SPIN THOSE PLATES ANYMORE! They're going to start crashing down...
ANXIETY!
But this question "Who am I?" was where God could begin to speak to me. Begin to show me that my worth was not at all from what I was doing, or not doing. He simply defined me as his beloved daughter. And if I could begin to know who I was as He saw me, then I could be free! Free of the burden of defining myself (and helping others to define me) by what I was doing.
Free! Who doesn't want to be free?!!!
And the journey continues (I know I say that a lot, but it's so true!)...
I continue to discover and live into the knowledge of who I am defined by my being, not my doing. This is not to say that I don't have to do anything anymore. But my doing is NOT where I will look to be defined. I don't have to prove to you, or others, or God, or myself that I am somebody based on what I do. I am free of this game!!! I get to BE the person I was created to be. And in knowing who I am, I am free to then exist and live out of this reality more and more. To flesh out this being, and becoming. To invite others into knowing who they are.
And so I've thought more of this question that is so much a part of our culture "What are you doing these days?" and have sometimes wondered, what if we asked "How are you being these days?" In a sense, asking how YOU are?
It's in being still, in clearing the desk off, in finding the lost gem of ourselves that we can find life. It's an invitation for all of us...
Do you dare ask yourself "Who am I?"
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
culture shock
Culture (reentry) shock is feeling
lost
like a child
strange
misunderstood
unknown
odd
on the outside
different
like an observer
small
but stick out like a sore thumb
quiet
but have a lot to say
funny
but not haha funny
exhausted from trying hard
out of sync
homesick
in a time warp
teary
grief
but there is beauty
in being an outsider
seeing what no one else sees anymore
with new eyes
able to be a learner
appreciate all that you do have
reconnecting with yourself
and with your Creator
making room for new things
new people
and the humility that comes
in not knowing how things are done here
and having to ask
and be a little off
sometimes when we are strangers
we actually remember the truth of what matters
not "fitting in"
but caring about people
and making room for others to feel safe
to take off their masks
and confess that they too don't have it all figured out!
lost
like a child
strange
misunderstood
unknown
odd
on the outside
different
like an observer
small
but stick out like a sore thumb
quiet
but have a lot to say
funny
but not haha funny
exhausted from trying hard
out of sync
homesick
in a time warp
teary
grief
but there is beauty
in being an outsider
seeing what no one else sees anymore
with new eyes
able to be a learner
appreciate all that you do have
reconnecting with yourself
and with your Creator
making room for new things
new people
and the humility that comes
in not knowing how things are done here
and having to ask
and be a little off
sometimes when we are strangers
we actually remember the truth of what matters
not "fitting in"
but caring about people
and making room for others to feel safe
to take off their masks
and confess that they too don't have it all figured out!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
us and them
I believe we all have a sense of us and them, and interact out of our feelings of us and them. And we have all been guilty at some point of helping define who is us, and who is them--a definition that will change depending on who we are with, and how we are trying to avoid being the "them".
But I'm sure we have all experienced being the "them"...the ones left out, not included, unwanted, separated from. And some of us, we will do anything to be an us again. Anything, even if it means not being the "them" we are associated with.
us, them
them, us
a world divided
but he came for the lost ones,
the lost sheep
the "them's"
because the "us" already had it figured out
what it meant to be in, what it meant to be out
they had already defined who the "us" were
leaving all the others to be the "them"
but he came into this chaos
he showed another way to define all the "us and them's"
he extended the invitation
first to the "us"
the great wedding feast
many guests were invited, and when the banquet was ready, <the king> sent his servants to notify everyone that it was time to come. But they all refused! So he sent other servants to tell them, "The feast has been prepared, and choice meats have been cooked. Everything is ready. Hurry!" But the guests he had invited ignored them and went about their business, one to his farm, another to his store. Others seized his messengers and treated them shamefully, even killing some of them."
sometimes the "us" we are trying to be
are too busy with the things that we are identifying ourselves with.
we miss the chance to become the greater "us"
but the king did not cancel his feast.
and he said to his servants, "The wedding feast is ready, and the guests I invited aren't worthy of the honor. Now go out to the street corners and invite everyone you see."
the street corners???? was the king crazy? had he lost his mind? he was going to invite "them" to come eat a feast that was set out for the chosen guests? shouldn't we just reschedule for when they are free?
but did the king already know how the story would end up? how the table would turn? if anything, it seems the king was angry. (come on king, what's the big deal?!)
"The king became furious. He sent out his army to destroy the murderers and burn their city. And he said to his servants, 'The wedding feast is ready, and the guests I invited aren't worthy of honor. Now go out to the street corners and invite everyone you see.'"
us, them
The chosen ones, the ones on the king's list did not come.
them, us
But the ones who had not been chosen became the chosen guests
--the ones the King wanted around his table
but the servants went out and "brought in everyone they could find, good and bad alike, and the banquet hall was filled with guests."
oh to be a part of that feast!
to see their faces--"Hey, we got invited to the King's feast! And all these years we were told we weren't welcome to come! All these years we were told that we were not good enough!
But look, we are around His table! We are eating foods fit for friends of the King!"
"them" became "us"
a table that welcomes all
a table where status falls away
nothing divides
we pass the food and our hands touch
we are all hungry as we gather around the table
hungry souls
We join together
around the table
and our eyes are opened
to the mystery of oneness
where we no longer decide who is us and them
and when we have feasted at this table
we are changed
we leave humbled
there is no division
no us and them
around his table
(story of the great feast from matthew 22)
But I'm sure we have all experienced being the "them"...the ones left out, not included, unwanted, separated from. And some of us, we will do anything to be an us again. Anything, even if it means not being the "them" we are associated with.
us, them
them, us
a world divided
but he came for the lost ones,
the lost sheep
the "them's"
because the "us" already had it figured out
what it meant to be in, what it meant to be out
they had already defined who the "us" were
leaving all the others to be the "them"
but he came into this chaos
he showed another way to define all the "us and them's"
he extended the invitation
first to the "us"
the great wedding feast
many guests were invited, and when the banquet was ready, <the king> sent his servants to notify everyone that it was time to come. But they all refused! So he sent other servants to tell them, "The feast has been prepared, and choice meats have been cooked. Everything is ready. Hurry!" But the guests he had invited ignored them and went about their business, one to his farm, another to his store. Others seized his messengers and treated them shamefully, even killing some of them."
sometimes the "us" we are trying to be
are too busy with the things that we are identifying ourselves with.
we miss the chance to become the greater "us"
but the king did not cancel his feast.
and he said to his servants, "The wedding feast is ready, and the guests I invited aren't worthy of the honor. Now go out to the street corners and invite everyone you see."
the street corners???? was the king crazy? had he lost his mind? he was going to invite "them" to come eat a feast that was set out for the chosen guests? shouldn't we just reschedule for when they are free?
but did the king already know how the story would end up? how the table would turn? if anything, it seems the king was angry. (come on king, what's the big deal?!)
"The king became furious. He sent out his army to destroy the murderers and burn their city. And he said to his servants, 'The wedding feast is ready, and the guests I invited aren't worthy of honor. Now go out to the street corners and invite everyone you see.'"
us, them
The chosen ones, the ones on the king's list did not come.
them, us
But the ones who had not been chosen became the chosen guests
--the ones the King wanted around his table
but the servants went out and "brought in everyone they could find, good and bad alike, and the banquet hall was filled with guests."
oh to be a part of that feast!
to see their faces--"Hey, we got invited to the King's feast! And all these years we were told we weren't welcome to come! All these years we were told that we were not good enough!
But look, we are around His table! We are eating foods fit for friends of the King!"
"them" became "us"
a table that welcomes all
a table where status falls away
nothing divides
we pass the food and our hands touch
we are all hungry as we gather around the table
hungry souls
We join together
around the table
and our eyes are opened
to the mystery of oneness
where we no longer decide who is us and them
and when we have feasted at this table
we are changed
we leave humbled
there is no division
no us and them
around his table
(story of the great feast from matthew 22)
Monday, October 27, 2014
remembering
01 June 2014
It was raining hard and the electricity went out the night of our departure. We finished packing up and taking showers with the light from a flashlight. Looking out the window I could see Chalau sitting in a covered area with our dog Sam beside her. We were leaving Sam behind with Chalau...did he sense that something was amiss? Did he feel left behind when we got into the truck with two sleepy boys and seven suitcases? We loaded the boys in the darkness as rain continued to come down, soaking the clothes we would be wearing for the next 24 hours. After a brief two hour nap we woke the boys up--"it's time to go!" Instead of staying asleep as we carried them to the truck they became fully awake, and thus able to take in their last moments in Chiang Mai. The four of us climbed into the loaded truck and quietly looked out as we pulled away from what had been our home, and drove down the street to say our good-byes to Chalau and her husband. She and her husband stood on the side of the road under their umbrellas in the darkness and pouring down rain. I got out of the car to give Chalau an awkward hug (hugging is not a Thai custom) and I could see that she was holding back emotions as she held onto my arm. Her son who had been Noah's buddy was fast asleep in their truck. He had come to say good-bye as well, but sleep came first. After a few words of blessing and good wishes from Chalau and her husband, we climbed back into the truck and waved our last good-byes. She stood under her umbrella in the rain, our dog Sam standing loyally next to her, as we drove away. A moment etched in my memory forever.
And just like that our year in Chiang Mai was over.
It was raining hard and the electricity went out the night of our departure. We finished packing up and taking showers with the light from a flashlight. Looking out the window I could see Chalau sitting in a covered area with our dog Sam beside her. We were leaving Sam behind with Chalau...did he sense that something was amiss? Did he feel left behind when we got into the truck with two sleepy boys and seven suitcases? We loaded the boys in the darkness as rain continued to come down, soaking the clothes we would be wearing for the next 24 hours. After a brief two hour nap we woke the boys up--"it's time to go!" Instead of staying asleep as we carried them to the truck they became fully awake, and thus able to take in their last moments in Chiang Mai. The four of us climbed into the loaded truck and quietly looked out as we pulled away from what had been our home, and drove down the street to say our good-byes to Chalau and her husband. She and her husband stood on the side of the road under their umbrellas in the darkness and pouring down rain. I got out of the car to give Chalau an awkward hug (hugging is not a Thai custom) and I could see that she was holding back emotions as she held onto my arm. Her son who had been Noah's buddy was fast asleep in their truck. He had come to say good-bye as well, but sleep came first. After a few words of blessing and good wishes from Chalau and her husband, we climbed back into the truck and waved our last good-byes. She stood under her umbrella in the rain, our dog Sam standing loyally next to her, as we drove away. A moment etched in my memory forever.
And just like that our year in Chiang Mai was over.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
dare
I dare you
to come out from hiding
the true You
the one hiding behind the masks
I dare you
to lay down the layers
the "you's" that the world
has helped you create
the "you's" that really aren't you
I dare you
to step out from behind the curtain
the safety net of hiding
because you just don't think others will like you
if they really knew you
and yet you don't like yourself
because this isn't really you
Trying so hard to be
what you really weren't meant to be
but what the world tells you you should be
Lots of people walking around
players in a script
written by the world
costing our souls
Taking away life
sometimes we believe
it's all there really is
Until someone dares
to step out and say "this is the real me!"
i'm done with the game
ready to become the real me
The one I was created to be
I dare you
to step out and see
the freedom that comes
when you no longer have to create yourself
but you get to become yourself
The freedom that comes
when we know who we are
and the world no longer gets to decide
who we are or who we are not
I dare you
to walk the path that is less clear
but the courage it takes will bring
a freedom that few have tasted
I dare you
to meet yourself
the true YOU
the one crying out to be loved
accepted
free
Free to be YOU
to come out from hiding
the true You
the one hiding behind the masks
I dare you
to lay down the layers
the "you's" that the world
has helped you create
the "you's" that really aren't you
I dare you
to step out from behind the curtain
the safety net of hiding
because you just don't think others will like you
if they really knew you
and yet you don't like yourself
because this isn't really you
Trying so hard to be
what you really weren't meant to be
but what the world tells you you should be
Lots of people walking around
players in a script
written by the world
costing our souls
Taking away life
sometimes we believe
it's all there really is
Until someone dares
to step out and say "this is the real me!"
i'm done with the game
ready to become the real me
The one I was created to be
I dare you
to step out and see
the freedom that comes
when you no longer have to create yourself
but you get to become yourself
The freedom that comes
when we know who we are
and the world no longer gets to decide
who we are or who we are not
I dare you
to walk the path that is less clear
but the courage it takes will bring
a freedom that few have tasted
I dare you
to meet yourself
the true YOU
the one crying out to be loved
accepted
free
Free to be YOU
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
enter the rest
do you go to a church that encourages rest? to be still, stop your doing, and cease the busy-ness? can you hear that without a tone of condemnation? can you sense the freedom in an invitation to rest? or does it scare you..."if I rest, I might like it so much that I might stop doing...stop achieving, stop making a difference"
are we threatened by rest? by the idea of stopping...being still...ceasing to work? do we fear that we will be lazy? or miss something? or not "get the job done" that he has called us to do?
are those passages about being still, or honoring sabbath, or that one that says "Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest" meant for those ones who have worked hard and "earned" their rest? Or is this an invitation for ALL who are weary, regardless of what you have done or not done. regardless of your achievements or the fact that you haven't achieved anything noteworthy as of yet?
and what if rest is actually the path that leads to the true ministry?
what if healing that comes when we rest, and the knowing that comes when we are still is the true invitation extended to each one of us?
and what if the church could support us and even invite and encourage us to walk this quieter path?
the noise of the world
the busy-ness of life
always busy
always going
never time to stop
gotta check my calendar to see
when am I free
running off to something else
never seeing
never noticing
missing something...
it was hard to decide to take a year off. if anything I felt like a failure when we left Laos in 2013. the work/ministry that we had gone to do...it never really "became" what I had imagined in 2009 when we said yes. I was headed to something great. I was going to do great things for God. I was going to help others know him. and all I found at the end of 4 years was a sense of "not enough". Failure. Ouch.
and so sweetly, his words spoke loudly to my sun-scorched soul..."Come to me all who are weary"
Lord, is that you? Are you speaking this to me? Could it be that you are inviting me to rest? I want it, but can I have it? I didn't really "earn it". I never achieved what I had hoped to. But can I believe that you are inviting me into rest? Oh, it sounds so wonderful...so soul quenching. Lord, I am tired. Beyond tired. And I don't think that I will ever achieve what I came here to do. I'm a failure...
he makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul
an invitation to come and sit with him. to stop and be filled. to eat and drink. to lie down in soft green grass by a stream. wow, sounds like a 5 star resort. I want it!
but I don't deserve it
Come, ALL WHO ARE WEARY
and while I could still think of so many reasons that I could not receive this invitation, my soul had already clung to the invite. I couldn't play it off "Oh, Lord, thanks for the invite but I am not quite done with the great stuff I'm meant to do here...I'll come next year." NOPE, my soul was running and begging for water, and my pride had only to follow my soul-starved self
and he gives
He gives! it wasn't all a 5 star holiday. it wasn't all easy to just rest and have "nothing to do". honestly, it was HARD. Hard to know how to rest. I soon found that I could busy myself with other things--facebook, internet, worrying, grocery shopping, etc. the being still was new to me. how does one "cease striving" when that was my whole way of doing ministry? whole way of giving back to God, serving God, and dare I say "earning his love/respect"?!!
but so quietly, so slowly I began to be stripped of beliefs that just weren't working. this idea that being successful was based on what I had done. To think that I had something to prove to God, to others to justify my being. and I came to this question "Can I believe I am worthy even if I have nothing to offer?"
the transformation continues. the grace to be on a journey is greater than I could ever dare hope for. and learning to trust that my fear of being seen as lazy or a loafer is not from Him. To dare to believe that rest is an invitation to knowing, and thus and invitation to become. and the story is not finished...in any of us!
are we threatened by rest? by the idea of stopping...being still...ceasing to work? do we fear that we will be lazy? or miss something? or not "get the job done" that he has called us to do?
are those passages about being still, or honoring sabbath, or that one that says "Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest" meant for those ones who have worked hard and "earned" their rest? Or is this an invitation for ALL who are weary, regardless of what you have done or not done. regardless of your achievements or the fact that you haven't achieved anything noteworthy as of yet?
and what if rest is actually the path that leads to the true ministry?
what if healing that comes when we rest, and the knowing that comes when we are still is the true invitation extended to each one of us?
and what if the church could support us and even invite and encourage us to walk this quieter path?
the noise of the world
the busy-ness of life
always busy
always going
never time to stop
gotta check my calendar to see
when am I free
running off to something else
never seeing
never noticing
missing something...
it was hard to decide to take a year off. if anything I felt like a failure when we left Laos in 2013. the work/ministry that we had gone to do...it never really "became" what I had imagined in 2009 when we said yes. I was headed to something great. I was going to do great things for God. I was going to help others know him. and all I found at the end of 4 years was a sense of "not enough". Failure. Ouch.
and so sweetly, his words spoke loudly to my sun-scorched soul..."Come to me all who are weary"
Lord, is that you? Are you speaking this to me? Could it be that you are inviting me to rest? I want it, but can I have it? I didn't really "earn it". I never achieved what I had hoped to. But can I believe that you are inviting me into rest? Oh, it sounds so wonderful...so soul quenching. Lord, I am tired. Beyond tired. And I don't think that I will ever achieve what I came here to do. I'm a failure...
he makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul
an invitation to come and sit with him. to stop and be filled. to eat and drink. to lie down in soft green grass by a stream. wow, sounds like a 5 star resort. I want it!
but I don't deserve it
Come, ALL WHO ARE WEARY
and while I could still think of so many reasons that I could not receive this invitation, my soul had already clung to the invite. I couldn't play it off "Oh, Lord, thanks for the invite but I am not quite done with the great stuff I'm meant to do here...I'll come next year." NOPE, my soul was running and begging for water, and my pride had only to follow my soul-starved self
and he gives
He gives! it wasn't all a 5 star holiday. it wasn't all easy to just rest and have "nothing to do". honestly, it was HARD. Hard to know how to rest. I soon found that I could busy myself with other things--facebook, internet, worrying, grocery shopping, etc. the being still was new to me. how does one "cease striving" when that was my whole way of doing ministry? whole way of giving back to God, serving God, and dare I say "earning his love/respect"?!!
but so quietly, so slowly I began to be stripped of beliefs that just weren't working. this idea that being successful was based on what I had done. To think that I had something to prove to God, to others to justify my being. and I came to this question "Can I believe I am worthy even if I have nothing to offer?"
the transformation continues. the grace to be on a journey is greater than I could ever dare hope for. and learning to trust that my fear of being seen as lazy or a loafer is not from Him. To dare to believe that rest is an invitation to knowing, and thus and invitation to become. and the story is not finished...in any of us!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
in this world
In this world you will have many troubles...
life has troubles. I've spent a lot of energy trying to fix those problems which has just put me on the anxiety hamster wheel. Spinning, and spinning, sometimes thinking "oh, I figured it out!" only to find that nope, the problem is still there...just over the next hill.
and so I've allowed myself to be toyed by the emotional roller coaster of life...things get bad, things get better, new problems come along...and so on.
and for so many years I have wondered where is the joy? where is the peace? why do I struggle with anxiety and at times despair?
or...why do others have it so easy, but I've got problems? God, where are you?
"in this world you will have many troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world."
Well, God, you forgot about "my troubles". They're still here.
God is patient with us. The gentleness of a shepherd...
Over the last several years I have struggled to fix it all. When it's just me (those days when I was still single), I had less to worry about...less to "fix". Then I got married. Thankfully my husband didn't ask me to worry about his problems--he grew up in a family with a generally optimistic outlook on life. And so even when he was sick he wasn't shaken by it. It didn't threaten his whole life. But sometimes I would take up the job of worrying about his problem for him. Funny how that is.
Then we had children. Two of them. One, then another. And the problems multiplied. Babies get sick, and you feel helpless. And then child #2 had eczema. BAD eczema that hit us when we were in Laos. It was awful. I felt helpless and thus, despair. It really consumed me day and night. I was looking on the internet for answers, asking people to pray (for healing), and worrying a lot about it. It was truly emotionally draining.
Then, with diet changes we seemed to get it back under control. Whew...
But other things came along, and then it became harder to keep all those plates spinning. Until one day I just lay on our bed crying out, "I can't keep these plates spinning any longer..."
a quiet voice "you don't have to..."
But I was so consumed by the anxiety that I could only see what I could not do, and I found myself mad at Pete, mad at God, mad at everyone. Mad at life.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...
In my place of brokenness I began to see that my life paradigms were failing me. My need for everything to be in place, fixed, okay was keeping me frantic. My job of plate spinning was not working...too many plates to keep spinning. And it was tiring. But what happens when we stop spinning the plates?
A dear friend in my life at the time advised me to close my eyes and picture Jesus. Where was He when I was spinning all those plates? What was he doing? As I sat quietly I saw him holding his hands out. He quietly and gently invited me to hand the plates over. I handed them over, every last one of them. And then they were gone. No crashing plates. No plates at all. My friend asked "What happened to the plates?" I didn't know. Jesus had taken them, and they just kind of went away. And then it was still. And he embraced me. I could finally rest.
Be still and know that I am God.
There is so much fear that if I stop spinning the plates everything will come crashing down. My life will go from bad to worse...from chaos to irreparable damage. As I reflect on this image which came to me one year ago, I realize that he continues to invite me to Trust him.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
I tend to be analytical. Wanting to figure it all out with my head. Always in search of reasons and answers to my problems. What caused it? What will fix it? And my head spins and spins. Oftentimes Google search doesn't come up with any answers either, just more problems and complications to add to my mind's spinning. And what do I do in those moments? I can either lean into despair and anxiety, continuing the search for answers and fixing all my problems. Or I can lean into God, choosing to trust Him in a place where I do not understand. "Lord, I don't understand, but I will trust you." A prayer that I continue to have to proclaim even when I am honestly struggling to trust.
Trust is really hard. It requires putting my faith into something I don't see. And to "see" something that at this point has no physical reality. Perhaps there are indicators or signs in my life that I am right to trust something I don't see. But often I find that it takes GREAT COURAGE to choose trust over worry because everything in my life seems to point down the path that says "Worry, because God isn't taking care of this one...you've got to do it." And the temptation to worry always seems to be there, inviting me in for another tango. But I'm starting to see another path in the woods, one that says "Trust, hand it over to me!" And this path, while still very unclear, seems a bit more hope-filled. I don't have to worry and spend all my energy on trying to figure it all out. It shows a path marked with some troubles, but yet peace and hope to hold me up.
And the journey continues.
life has troubles. I've spent a lot of energy trying to fix those problems which has just put me on the anxiety hamster wheel. Spinning, and spinning, sometimes thinking "oh, I figured it out!" only to find that nope, the problem is still there...just over the next hill.
and so I've allowed myself to be toyed by the emotional roller coaster of life...things get bad, things get better, new problems come along...and so on.
and for so many years I have wondered where is the joy? where is the peace? why do I struggle with anxiety and at times despair?
or...why do others have it so easy, but I've got problems? God, where are you?
"in this world you will have many troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world."
Well, God, you forgot about "my troubles". They're still here.
God is patient with us. The gentleness of a shepherd...
Over the last several years I have struggled to fix it all. When it's just me (those days when I was still single), I had less to worry about...less to "fix". Then I got married. Thankfully my husband didn't ask me to worry about his problems--he grew up in a family with a generally optimistic outlook on life. And so even when he was sick he wasn't shaken by it. It didn't threaten his whole life. But sometimes I would take up the job of worrying about his problem for him. Funny how that is.
Then we had children. Two of them. One, then another. And the problems multiplied. Babies get sick, and you feel helpless. And then child #2 had eczema. BAD eczema that hit us when we were in Laos. It was awful. I felt helpless and thus, despair. It really consumed me day and night. I was looking on the internet for answers, asking people to pray (for healing), and worrying a lot about it. It was truly emotionally draining.
Then, with diet changes we seemed to get it back under control. Whew...
But other things came along, and then it became harder to keep all those plates spinning. Until one day I just lay on our bed crying out, "I can't keep these plates spinning any longer..."
a quiet voice "you don't have to..."
But I was so consumed by the anxiety that I could only see what I could not do, and I found myself mad at Pete, mad at God, mad at everyone. Mad at life.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...
In my place of brokenness I began to see that my life paradigms were failing me. My need for everything to be in place, fixed, okay was keeping me frantic. My job of plate spinning was not working...too many plates to keep spinning. And it was tiring. But what happens when we stop spinning the plates?
A dear friend in my life at the time advised me to close my eyes and picture Jesus. Where was He when I was spinning all those plates? What was he doing? As I sat quietly I saw him holding his hands out. He quietly and gently invited me to hand the plates over. I handed them over, every last one of them. And then they were gone. No crashing plates. No plates at all. My friend asked "What happened to the plates?" I didn't know. Jesus had taken them, and they just kind of went away. And then it was still. And he embraced me. I could finally rest.
Be still and know that I am God.
There is so much fear that if I stop spinning the plates everything will come crashing down. My life will go from bad to worse...from chaos to irreparable damage. As I reflect on this image which came to me one year ago, I realize that he continues to invite me to Trust him.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
I tend to be analytical. Wanting to figure it all out with my head. Always in search of reasons and answers to my problems. What caused it? What will fix it? And my head spins and spins. Oftentimes Google search doesn't come up with any answers either, just more problems and complications to add to my mind's spinning. And what do I do in those moments? I can either lean into despair and anxiety, continuing the search for answers and fixing all my problems. Or I can lean into God, choosing to trust Him in a place where I do not understand. "Lord, I don't understand, but I will trust you." A prayer that I continue to have to proclaim even when I am honestly struggling to trust.
Trust is really hard. It requires putting my faith into something I don't see. And to "see" something that at this point has no physical reality. Perhaps there are indicators or signs in my life that I am right to trust something I don't see. But often I find that it takes GREAT COURAGE to choose trust over worry because everything in my life seems to point down the path that says "Worry, because God isn't taking care of this one...you've got to do it." And the temptation to worry always seems to be there, inviting me in for another tango. But I'm starting to see another path in the woods, one that says "Trust, hand it over to me!" And this path, while still very unclear, seems a bit more hope-filled. I don't have to worry and spend all my energy on trying to figure it all out. It shows a path marked with some troubles, but yet peace and hope to hold me up.
And the journey continues.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
blessing
a dear friend gave me a bracelet that says "bless this woman" and I wear it on days that I need that reminder...that I am someone who needs a blessing, and someone who can have that blessing.
in a world starved for blessing
a world full of cursing
we long to be blessed
to be worthy
to be loved
to be called up and out
to be named and restored
we are a hungry people
bless me, bless me, bless me
and can I dare to believe that this blessing is for me?
and when we dare to believe
the blessing becomes us
we rise up
shine
and bless others
bless you, bless you, bless you
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
courage
In a world that values beauty, clear skin, and youthfulness...
it takes courage to not be ashamed when you have eczema
or when your son has eczema
For the past three years I have struggled with how to live when things just aren't as I want them to be
And many days I have failed to live...
I have allowed myself to be caught in the hamster wheel of trying to fix it all
To make it go away
To heal the skin
To figure out what's wrong
To pray for healing
To ask God why he isn't healing
And to feel fear when I don't understand...
But in the past year God has been showing me another way
To dare to hope even when I don't get it
When I don't understand
When my eyes fail to see
Isn't that what hope is defined as?
it's not hope if we see it
It's not faith if it's already been accomplished
It doesn't require trust if it's already right there in front of me
And so I am left to choose despair or hope
To be anxious or rest
To clutch my fists around trying
Or release and let go
And while my flesh continues to struggle with all that I wish was different
Slowly I am learning how to let go and do the trust fall
Into arms that will catch me
Into a presence that will never fail me
Into the comfort of Someone greater
Because I am not enough
I can not fix it all
I don't know the answers
I don't know the path to healing
But He does
And He holds me
it takes courage to not be ashamed when you have eczema
or when your son has eczema
For the past three years I have struggled with how to live when things just aren't as I want them to be
And many days I have failed to live...
I have allowed myself to be caught in the hamster wheel of trying to fix it all
To make it go away
To heal the skin
To figure out what's wrong
To pray for healing
To ask God why he isn't healing
And to feel fear when I don't understand...
But in the past year God has been showing me another way
To dare to hope even when I don't get it
When I don't understand
When my eyes fail to see
Isn't that what hope is defined as?
it's not hope if we see it
It's not faith if it's already been accomplished
It doesn't require trust if it's already right there in front of me
And so I am left to choose despair or hope
To be anxious or rest
To clutch my fists around trying
Or release and let go
And while my flesh continues to struggle with all that I wish was different
Slowly I am learning how to let go and do the trust fall
Into arms that will catch me
Into a presence that will never fail me
Into the comfort of Someone greater
Because I am not enough
I can not fix it all
I don't know the answers
I don't know the path to healing
But He does
And He holds me
lead me
my prayer:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
from Oceans by Hillsongs United
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
from Oceans by Hillsongs United
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
a lot of change
A lot has changed in the past 7 weeks. Our lives have gone from primarily based in Southeast Asia to a residence in Florida. A change that we chose and pursued, and yet living into it is all but easy. Starting over. Making new friends (haven't made any yet!). A new school. English and Spanish not Lao or Thai. A flat horizon instead of mountains. It's a lot to take in, adjust to, and accept. Some days I feel thankful and hopeful. Other days I feel a deep pain of homesickness for Asia. Perhaps we will never feel completely at home again now that we have lived on two sides of the globe. Our hearts and lives have strewn themselves in multiple places, and while we have been immensely blessed and enriched, it sometimes feels like a curse.
And we wait out this in between time when our roots haven't yet taken to the new soil. We haven't met our new friends. Our home still feels unfamiliar. We feel like foreigners even though we look and sound local (sort of).
Perhaps the roots will sink in without us consciously noticing. And one day in a few months (or year) we will begin to notice that we truly feel at home here in Florida. I doubt we will ever stop missing or thinking about our other home in Asia, but perhaps we will feel equally at home here. And there will be friends to share life with and gather around our table once again.
And we wait out this in between time when our roots haven't yet taken to the new soil. We haven't met our new friends. Our home still feels unfamiliar. We feel like foreigners even though we look and sound local (sort of).
Perhaps the roots will sink in without us consciously noticing. And one day in a few months (or year) we will begin to notice that we truly feel at home here in Florida. I doubt we will ever stop missing or thinking about our other home in Asia, but perhaps we will feel equally at home here. And there will be friends to share life with and gather around our table once again.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
wake up
As we head back to the states I face the fear of the American dream taking over my life and my heart. What am I talking about? I'm afraid of returning to a country that leads us to believe that happiness is one purchase away (click...) and then another. We reach for food to satiate that hunger. We buy more and more technology to fill our homes, and our minds, and even our hearts. I'm afraid that I, too, will be victim to this tendency of reaching to those ideas of happiness. That I will buy into the belief that all I need to be happy is to fit into a size 6 pair of jeans (smaller would be even happier, but let's be realistic about this happiness...). If I'm healthy I'll be happy. If I'm younger looking I'll be happy (gotta cover that greying hair on my head). If I have happy kids I'll be happy. If I have a swimming pool in my yard I'll be happy. And it just doesn't stop. I already struggle with this disease. It's everywhere, and if you have any means of affording to buy these things (and even if you don't you're not immune) it's so easy to get caught up. Discontentment keeps us coming back for more.
And yet, who will stand up in the middle of the crowd and say "hey, who's behind the curtain telling us all that this is what will make us happy?" Who will say "Enough!!! I'm not buying into this belief anymore!" Who will be that lonely voice that turns around and walks the opposite direction of the masses of people...all blindly and numbly walking in unison, believing that this "voice" is true. And while they are still not happy, it's just over that hill. Just over that horizon. Just over the other side of the raise or the end of this month when we go on vacation...
His voice is quiet. It does not scream, it does not condemn. But it invites us to freedom. He reaches his hand out and smiles. He invites us to life! LIFE! And who doesn't want to feel alive?
Awaken my soul. Don't sleep through this "life". As I grow older, as my body ages and grey hairs crowd out the colored ones...let my soul be awakened to the never aging life you offer. Help me to have courage to believe that your way is full of life. To believe that your invitation is real, true, and there's no catch. Help me to tune out the loud voice in this world that often catches my ear (and heart). I need courage, Lord. This journey will feel lonely, and odd. It will not fit into this world. But it will be so much fuller, so much greater, so much more real. Set me free to live! Awaken my soul.
And yet, who will stand up in the middle of the crowd and say "hey, who's behind the curtain telling us all that this is what will make us happy?" Who will say "Enough!!! I'm not buying into this belief anymore!" Who will be that lonely voice that turns around and walks the opposite direction of the masses of people...all blindly and numbly walking in unison, believing that this "voice" is true. And while they are still not happy, it's just over that hill. Just over that horizon. Just over the other side of the raise or the end of this month when we go on vacation...
His voice is quiet. It does not scream, it does not condemn. But it invites us to freedom. He reaches his hand out and smiles. He invites us to life! LIFE! And who doesn't want to feel alive?
Awaken my soul. Don't sleep through this "life". As I grow older, as my body ages and grey hairs crowd out the colored ones...let my soul be awakened to the never aging life you offer. Help me to have courage to believe that your way is full of life. To believe that your invitation is real, true, and there's no catch. Help me to tune out the loud voice in this world that often catches my ear (and heart). I need courage, Lord. This journey will feel lonely, and odd. It will not fit into this world. But it will be so much fuller, so much greater, so much more real. Set me free to live! Awaken my soul.
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