ennea-what?

scones in the oven, I'm baking because I really should be focusing on the last preparations for teaching a workshop on the Enneagram next week.  But...scones first.  Hmmm, does this have anything to do with my Enneagram number?
It's funny how everything becomes about your number...how did I live before I knew my number? seriously?

But actually, I did...and so what's all the to do about the enneagram? Why has it become so popular in these last few years when it's really nothing new...I mean Riso published a book on the Enneagram in 1987.  Why didn't it make it big then? What is it about this ancient personality tool that is helping writers become names we now know and thus selling some (lots) books?  (Geez, I wish I had known about the Enneagram 5 years ago so I could've written a book and gotten in on the money! :-). 

And will it survive 5 more years? Or will it become a passing fad...we all know our numbers, moving on...

I'm not really sure.  But I do know that right now there's a B.N. (before I knew my number) and an A.N. (after I discovered my number). and even more--there's a right now as I get to decide what to do with knowing my number.

Sometimes it would be nice to be blind again (B.N.).  Blind to my weaknesses, blind to what I know now and can't deny.  It would be nice if my husband didn't know my number so that he couldn't remind me now and then (yes, gently, because he's a 9!) of how I'm falling into my disintegration paths....of course, as a 9, he does have anger issues that he's unaware of...but I digress (or is that my path of disintegration...?)

Oh, I forgot to mention to you that I'm a 4.  (We're quite original and unique you know...or actually my growth path is discovering I'm ordinary and special just like everyone else...ugh).  But if you're still pre-enneagram (and even bothering to read this post) then you might be wondering what does it mean to be a 4? Are you square? And 9? how many numbers are there anyway in this ennea--thingy.  (Well, there's 9...because duh...Ennea means 9! Ummm, well, I actually didn't know that either until recently...).  So well, you, are something between a 1 and a 9.  Because that's how it is.  No zeros.  No tens.  Though you might think you're a 10.  

But you know, as I sit with the enneagram, I am continuing to find new aha moments with it! I think that's what draws you in (at least for those of us who have been drawn in)...I knew my Myers Briggs letters in college...but I didn't really know what to do with those letters.  I mean I knew that being an "I" meant introvert.  But then sometimes I don't like the assumptions made about an introvert.  I mean being an introvert doesn't mean being antisocial!!  So sometimes we find things out about ourselves, and then feel labeled and boxed in...

But the enneagram is a circle.  And it moves.  You may be a number, but then you have these arrows pointing towards growth (and also towards stress and disintegration!)

There's potential! There's hope! You are not merely a number.  You're actually a complex variety of numbers.  Because, did I mention, you have wings?!!! No, these wings don't mean you fly, but if you look at your number and put your arms out to your sides (like a chicken) then you'll discover that those 2 numbers sitting on each side of you are rubbing off on your number.  You probably lean more towards one than the other, but you are not 100% your number.  You are a complex mixture of your number, and one (or both) of your wings.  (And just so you know I happen to be a 4 wing 5). And we haven't even gotten to subtypes yet...

Are you feeling lost? Don't worry...the enneagram points you towards home.  Yes! It's a tool of discovering how you're lost! isn't that exciting! I bet you didn't even know you were lost until the Enneagram told you that finding your number helps you know how you are lost, and gives you a handy map to find your way back home...home to where? Not Kansas...though Dorothy could have been talking about the Enneagram (Chris Heuertz in Sacred Enneagram talks a lot about Dorothy's enneagram journey towards finding her way home to her true self...which happened to be in Kansas...sort of).

So now that I've thoroughly confused you--or helped you discover you're lost--especially if you have never heard of the enneagram...then may I suggest that you take a test? Yes, you can take a test online to see what number you are...because I'm sure you're dying to know if you're a 1, 2, or a 5.  And what is your spouse? And what is your boss? Your co-workers....

BUT WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
CAUTION:  Because you actually aren't supposed to learn your number so that you go around saying "Hi, I'm a 5 what are you?" (because that's being a wise guy!)  AND beware of someone saying to you, "OH, you are such an 8!" And you are left wondering "well, isn't that great?"

So...approach the Enneagram with caution.  It's sacred you know (because you and I are sacred!). You might love what you find, and you might hate it.  At first it might feel like you're meeting yourself, and then you might think "I really didn't want to know this part of me."  And you might really find yourself thinking "I was ok being lost..." and leave your number in the bin...or on the shelf in the book.

It's funny how ancient tools that carry wisdom get discovered and the dust blown off...and we run to it thirsty for what it has to offer.  I know the writers who have managed to get their books published appreciate our discovery.  Really, they sincerely want you to know yourself and find your way home.

But I'm sure they don't mind the fact that it's enabling them to have a nicer home...

But they might be an unhealthy 3 if that's the case (oh yeah, there's heathy and there's unhealthy...but no, you don't need a doctor, just an enneagram coach...)

BUT before my 3 friends out there remind me that I'm labeling them, I am just stressing the need for authenticity...  Ummm, ok...actually 4s really need their 3 friends, and their 7 friends, and all the numbers actually.  Because we need each other!!

And I love my 3 friends.  They are really really good for me as a melancholy 4.

But sadly my 3 friends don't really understand me and probably never will--sadly! but they're good at making me feel like I'm pretty cool when I sit with them for coffee.

If you want to have some enneagram fun

Never Fear! (especially if you're a 6!)-- It's available ennea-time that you are ready to explore
(did I just see you roll your eyes at me?)

And you can come join me around the circle

As we learn to live in community with one another

because let's not stick in our stubborn chairs with backs to one another

Let's see the beauty of how the enneagram is a circle

Arrows pointing here and there

Teaching us compassion

humility

and giving us a map to find our way home

to our true self
but for now I'm in my kitchen
waiting for some scones
yum.

middle school and the enneagram

immersed in the enneagram

finding my number

figuring yours out

I see numbers in my head

paths to finding our way home

and wonder where I got lost

where did my son lose his freedom

to be wild and carefree

sometimes I see a 4 in him

other times I see a 1

or is he a 3?

but only he will know with time

what number is his

to help him find his way back home

to the true essence of himself

middle school is not the time

to know who you are

so lost in the sea of insecurity

not realizing all are lost

no one knows the way to swim

but each looking to the right and left

comparing and being robbed

of who they really are

it grieves my heart to watch

as my son seems to get more and more lost

I want to rescue him from the edge

but really even I get lost too

and this journey is not straight

nor clear

it takes time to discover who we are

to find that we are lost

and then to be courageous enough to find help

a path to make our way home

so that we can be who we really are

and stop hiding behind our mask

because really for so long

we don't even realize the mask is not who we are

it seems so closely tied to ourselves

that it gets mistaken for our true identity

we nurture it for so long

it tells us who we are

and we listen

to wake up one day

and discover it's not true

but a distortion of our true self

can be harsh

to slumber may seem easier

and yet more energy output to tend

to a masked self

oh to be free

our deepest longing

and yet veiled from our sight

until one day we dare to look

and find that who we are

was always waiting to be discovered

beautiful in our messiness

Listening to the podcast The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman is stirring in me my own desire to be writing more.  

I love to write, so why do I only get one blog post out each month? Because so much of my struggle is fear...

what if I come across as too melancholy or depressed or too vulnerable?  

What if I am too messy in how I am occurring?

Not put together enough? 

Or my writing sucks (sorry for the language, it just seems appropriate).  

Often my perfectionism tendencies get in the way of my creative inner world.  

Often?  

Ok, maybe like 99% of the time.

SO, in listening to the Next Right thing podcast I am reminded to stop figuring out what people will think, and free myself to do just the next thing before me.  

And maybe writing is something I keep putting off.  I keep doing lots of mindless activities.  Sitting on facebook for way too many minutes (hours?!!!) and wasting myself away.  Reading other people's writing, thinking lots of thoughts that never get shared or put out there.

Then the restless spirit in me causes me to do some unhealthy things when I don't let myself do the healthy things like writing, creating...this creative spirit in me will eventually turn in on me.  I will find myself depressed, anxious, and eating.  Yes, eating.  Wow, I could be writing, or painting or ???  But instead I eat.  

Because my soul is hungry, and I take it to my physical body...

So what is the solution?

Well, I can gain some weight and eat

Or I can start to release the perfectionism and not allow it to have so much power over me

and start to write

What do you think?

How do you find yourself giving into perfectionism and not allowing yourself to give the world your true self? How does your inner critic keep you from offering us your beauty...mess and all?

As the title of my blog suggests...(This Beautiful Mess) we are beautiful even in our messiness.

So friends, let's try to not let perfectionism have the last word in our lives

Let's try to listen deeper within

and for me that means starting to write 

It's ok.to.show.up

mess and all

and discover that I am beautiful 

and you are beautiful

we have so much to offer this world

with courage we can listen to the deeper truer voice within

Let love shine the light within,

perfect love will cast out the fear 

of needing to be perfect!!

Say yes to your beautiful mess!