Standing on the edge of a cliff, I hear "jump"!! Who is saying "jump"? If I jumped I would die. But a voice says "Trust! God will save you. Do you trust?" I consider this for a moment, because of course I want to trust God, though I admit it's quite hard, and then I step back. If this is what it means to trust God, I'm not sure I can do this. It's WAY TOO HARD. And surely I will die if I jump. I mean, this is hard rock, and that is FAR DOWN BELOW.Jesus is in the wilderness for forty days, and we read that he is tempted by the devil.
5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]”
7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[d]” (Matthew 4:1-11)
How do we know when the voice we hear is God's and when it is our mistaken belief of God's voice? Do we sometimes hear "trust" thrown at us, but it's not actually God inviting us to trust...but a twisted view of trust? If it creates a sense of condemnation instead of freedom, then I wonder if we could assume it is not from God.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
For so many years I experienced a strong sense of condemnation. In Romans 8 it says "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." I remember reading this one summer in my early 20s and wondering "then why do I feel so much condemnation inside?" Where was all that condemnation coming from?
Christians have a lot of answers that they offer when someone is struggling. It is much easier to give answers, than just sit with someone in the tension of a hard question. Why am I suffering? What did God let this happen?
There have been times when a well-meaning believer said to me that maybe my son's eczema was because there were evil spirits still lingering with us after living in Laos. Perhaps we needed to pray. And do you know what effect this had on me? I would return home and feel major anxiety. One person suggested we find someone to pray for us. But whom? And why couldn't she pray for me?
It was a lonely season. And fear grew because of these suggestions... We belonged to God. Why would God allow evil spirits to live inside my son and cause him to have eczema? Was the only thing keeping us from healing finding the right person to pray for him? No one offered to pray for him or us...and when we finally asked someone to pray for us, nothing changed.
I had a nervous breakdown. "If you have faith, he will heal you." Did I lack faith? Yes! Of course, because I am human. But then there is that beautiful prayer which I clung to "LORD, help me in my unbelief!!!" This prayer sat right there in the gospels, and the one who prayed it experienced healing. And so what does that say? Does it require a certain amount of faith to experience the benefits of Jesus? Are only the ones with strong faith healed? And those who lack faith continue to be cursed?
Did those evil spirits continue to win their battle in my son's life, and in my life, as his eczema got worse? In the end, my husband continued to say to me "Lori, he does not have evil spirits causing him to have eczema. We belong to Jesus! I believe our son does too." But my husband's belief was in juxtaposition to what so many well-meaning Christians were telling me. Their statements to explain why I was suffering with major anxiety, and why my son was struggling with a skin issue left me feeling FEARFUL. Fear was seeping in my heart, and in my every breath. Just before my breakdown which took me to the very bottom of myself, I felt as though I was searching frantically for the one who held the answers. Who could save us? I was looking for Jesus with the robe that I could touch (like the bleeding woman who touched his robe).
And yet, the one who held the answer for my son wore a different kind of "robe". My husband finally took my son to the dermatologist. A very compassionate woman who was nearing retirement looked at our son and told us "you shouldn't have let him get this bad! He needs treatment..." She could see my resistance, and gently tried to work with my resistance to using steroids. But after he fell victim to another bacterial infection with another round of antibiotics, she had my attention...lather him with steroid cream. And lather him we did...
Did this require trust? YES! It required TRUST from me in a way that I had to let go of control. I had so much fear. Steroid cream was evil in my eyes. But, my husband invited me to let go of my old way of seeing things, and trust the doctor who was trying to help us. And so I had to let go...I had to trust...and I was being invited to hope.
It took time. In fact, we had to go on lathering him with steroid cream like butter on a piece of bread for two months! He would go to bed looking like a mummy as we wet-wrapped him with gauze, and then put his pjs on top. But in the morning his skin would look so much happier. And my son was beginning to live life again. He could get into the ocean and swim with his brother! This was healing, was it not! This was restoration, was it not?
But it wasn't what I had been expecting. I had been looking for a magic pill, the right person to pray and bring healing. And yet healing came through a doctor in a dermatologist office. She was the one who touched my son and my family. She was the one Jesus invited me to trust and let go of my ideas that were leading me towards fear. She was the one who answered the phone after hours to assure me this wouldn't be forever, that I just needed to persist and keep putting the steroid cream on, and hope that it would eventually break the cycle... She was the one who showed us care and love.
What does it mean to trust? Sometimes it feels like what we are being asked to do is jump off the side of the cliff to our death. But is this really what trust means? Jesus could know that what the Devil was asking him to do was not in alignment with trusting his Father. He knew that he needed to listen to the still small voice. The voice inviting him towards love, not doing something out of fear. (The devil even used Scripture to make his invitation sound more convincing.)
When are there times that to "trust" actually invites fear and condemnation? Shouldn't trust lead us to a place of rest?
I have learned that to trust often (always?) means a surrendering and letting go of control and my knowing. Trust invites us to believe that God really does love us. To see that God is FOR ME not against me. And this is what God has shown me through the experience of my son's healing, and through the journey of healing in my own life following a breakdown.
How is God inviting you to trust by standing on the side of the cliff and stepping back--letting God do what you cannot do? How is God inviting you to trust by turning towards others and admitting you don't have the answers, and you need help?
Truth sets us free...
My friend, may we continue to walk towards greater love and freedom in our lives. May we experience a God who LOVES us and who is FOR US!!
