reflections

My morning coffee and reflection spot

It's New Years eve, and I'm feeling the empty spaces of what it means to move and uproot from where life was lived for four years.  This year the holidays seem to speak of what we had pre-move, and what we don't yet have in our new place.  December marked my oldest son's 13th birthday, and then Christmas...and now New Year's Eve.  My son chose not to celebrate his 13th birthday with a party saying he just didn't feel up to it.  It was hard to honor this as the thirteenth birthday feels like one to mark.  It was the first birthday that we didn't invite a group of boys over to mark the day.  I felt the absence of the party more than he did.  He was content to have a special steak dinner with his family...small, simple, but delicious.  It was worth it to make the day special with expensive steak...it was the least we could do.

Christmas season approached and we put our Christmas tree up.  But most of December it sat in darkness as we had brought the tree and lights from the states, which meant we needed an electric transformer box to adapt 220 volts of electricity to the 110 volts our lights could handle.  The white lights drew too much electricity and we noticed that the living room smelled like something was burning.  After a bit of sniffing around, we found the culprit...our Christmas tree lights.  The third time we plugged the tree lights in, nothing happened.  The fuse had completely melted down.  After a dark tree week, Pete managed to change the fuse and the 2/3 of the lights that actually worked (we never did take the time to figure out why the other 1/3 of the lights didn't work!) our tree was shining (mostly) brightly again.  BUT, we never dared to leave it plugged in when we left the house for fear of our home going up in smoke.
Somehow Christmas came and went without really feeling like it did.  My oldest son (the one who just turned 13) kept commenting that it didn't feel like his birthday or Christmas this year.  There were tears shed, and he was right.  There really wasn't anything to do to fix it.  It just was an acknowledgement that we were making new memories this year...perhaps next year Christmas will feel more familiar...

As I sit on the edge of 2018 peering at 2019 I don't really know how to process this past year.  In many ways our move to Thailand is the result of a dream.  We wouldn't be here if we had not dreamed of returning.  And yet, this dream carried with it a lot of disruption, a feeling of being uprooted and un-rooted, and a loss of being near to family and friends.  I am very aware that tonight we don't have close friends to celebrate New Year's Eve with.  If we were in Florida we would be greeting the new year in with our neighbors...a gift of friendship that came in our last two years in Florida.  This year I feel like something is missing...and it leaves me ready for the holidays to just be over.  I want to pass over the holidays to the routine of school and work again.  Somehow this slow passing through the holidays is a reminder of what we have lost, what we don't yet have...
And yet, in being present to the loneliness and the loss is invitation to pause and remember what it is I do long for.  What I hope to create here in Thailand.  What took time to create when we moved to Florida.  (The first year in Florida was hard and also didn't feel familiar...). It takes time to feel at home in a place.  It takes time to develop friendships that go beyond the surface and general warmth to a much deeper place where you are thought of when they make their invitation lists for parties...

I am tempted to feel sorry for myself over the holidays, but when I realize that I am giving in, I am also reminded to be grateful for what I (we) do have.  We have come here because of a dream.  Yes, a dream! And I have met many new people because of following this dream.  And in such a short time (five months to be exact) our boys have made new friends, and experienced new memories.  While Christmas in the states meant a meal with family, this year we went camping with friends and sat around a campfire (it was actually "cold" up higher in Thailand!). The boys continue to say that the camping trip was the highlight of Christmas this year.
I'm not a fan of camping...or at least that is what I've told myself all these years.  BUT, maybe I can learn new things even now in my forties!!
And so as 2018 ends, and 2019 begins...I am aware of how much has already been "new" in the last five months.  Really our "new year" began in July when we stepped onto an airplane to come to Chiang Mai.  I look forward to a year from now when I imagine I will feel more "normal' over the holidays.
But meanwhile, I am able to pause and reflect that it's ok to feel "out of sorts" and unfamiliar with these feelings.  It's ok to feel on the outside.  And I would be silly to assume that I'm the only one feeling this way during the holidays.
May you know that whatever you are or have felt over the holidays--it's ok! Holidays aren't just about feeling warm and fuzzy.  Perhaps we often heap on expectations of what something should be, and it steals what the reality is from us.  I think my work for this coming year is one of learning gratitude for what is...not comparing what I have to what I think I should have, or to what others have.  But to see the beauty in what I DO have.
Happy New Year's!
Welcome 2019. Welcome!

Goldie with her Thai Christmas chicken