As I watched my son's eczema go from bad to worse to awful--covering his whole body from head to toe--I could no longer pretend that all my efforts to find a solution were working. And I had no more emotional or mental energy to continue to seek answers. I was at the bottom of my resources, the bottom of myself. As one counselor sat across from me a few weeks before, he blatantly said "You need to give up control." As he said this I knew he was speaking truth, but his truth did not offer me relief. It felt like a sharp knife going through my chest. I had been living in a way of trying to fix my son's health, fix my own health, and try to avoid any new problems entering our lives. We had made a big transition from life overseas to life in the states. Moves like this are high on the stress scale, let alone any other stressors (namely my son's incurable health condition). It was already a recipe for crazy making...but I had thought I could do it. And try hard is what I did...and it drove me and to an unhealthy place of fear, panic, and finally a nervous breakdown.
As I sat on the floor in my bedroom desperate for relief, I reached out to friends who loved me. "Pray for me!!!" I texted whomever I thought would care. I was searching for someone to fix me, to help me, to pray for me. I was crying out for relief. God save me! Please, heal me. Heal Noah!!! Desperation.
It was in those moments that friends texted with love, assurance they were praying for me, and one friend shared verses of Scripture with me. One verse struck me...not because it said "if you pray harder like this you will be freed..." But because somehow it offered hope and comfort for my suffering...
Isaiah 43:2 "When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you."
As I read these words I was reminded that He was with me, and that I could trust him to hold onto me. He would not let the waters and trouble be the end of me. There was nothing there about saving me from the floods all together--which I longed for. It didn't speak of miraculous saving. It spoke of a "being with" me. But I wanted to be free of the suffering, to be free of the pain. How could a "being with" be enough?!!!
But I clung to this verse as relief did not come quickly. I went to the doctor, took meds, sought out a counselor who could help me (it took five tries!) and cried a lot. I remember going to my son's 3rd grade mother's day tea and each child got up front to read about 10 things about their moms. My son read "My mom loves to meditate." I smiled, but inside I cringed. I meditated because I longed for peace. Each day I spent time lying on the floor in my room seeking peace. Seeking freedom from the anxiety. I didn't love meditation anymore than I loved anxiety. But I was desperate. My heart hurt as I knew I was incapable of being an active involved mom at this time. I was barely functional. And how deep did my son have to reach to think of 10 things he loved about his mom?!!
The days and weeks and months built on top of each other and at one year I was at a much different place. As March 17 came and went I could see the long hard road I had walked, and knew God's presence had been with me. He had been with me through friends, through prayers, through counseling appointments, through my husband, through my children, and even in the silence. I could see that God had been with me. I had not drowned. I had not been burned up. In fact, I was at a place where I could make decisions about how to live.
And somehow a second year has gone by...and I am now standing at the two year mark. Will St. Patrick's day always trigger an awareness of what happened two years ago? I am not really sure...but this year I have approached this date with a sense of gratitude. God was with me at the bottom, He never left me alone to find my way out of the suffering. He has restored life to me. He has brought healing into my life. Through this dark journey I have discovered a deeper well of His love, His grace, and His "with-ness", light that is not overcome by darkness. I have come to the bottom and discovered that He was with me through the "dark valley of the shadow of death..." I still struggle with fears and with anxiety. I still have bad days. But I also am experiencing greater depths of joy and zeal for life. I have a lightness in my heart that I didn't have before. I find myself able to move towards "letting go" in those times of wanting to take up more control. I feel a greater sense of openness to what life may bring. God has helped me see that it is not about avoiding suffering, but about leaning into suffering...and thus surrender to One who loves me, and will never let go of me. One who is with me in the suffering.
Fear not, for I am with you.
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
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