does grace have an expiration date?
as in "a few days should do it for you" and then...let's move on now
do you ever feel like it's ok to have a day or two to struggle
and then day 3 you should be ok
do you ever find yourself shaking your head at yourself
what's your problem?
still struggling with that?
why can't you just get over it by now?
and you find yourself
discouraged
down
anxious
weary
alone
because if you can't allow yourself grace
then surely others can't allow you grace
and so you can't let them know you are still struggling
alone.
but does grace really have an expiration date?
a certain amount of time that you are allowed to struggle?
does grief have an expiration date?
a certain allotment of time that you are allowed to grieve the loss of a child
or a parent
or a friend?
grief comes in waves...
some days grief is intense
some days it feels manageable
some days you find yourself feeling ok
and then grief hits again
but isn't the same true for our struggles in life?
isn't grace a daily need?
can we allow ourselves grace
EVERY
DAY
day after day
moment after moment
and as we taste grace
we may be surprised to find that our struggles begin to pale
just the weight of feeling like there is no grace left
is a weight that feels unbearable
that leaves us feeling condemned
condemned that we "still struggle"
but when we are met with grace
again and again
our hearts are changed
we are changed
we begin to taste and see
how good God is
how good love is
how loved we are
how loved I am
does grace ever expire?
does it ever run out
does it ever come to an end
or is it us that withholds grace from ourselves
is it us that stops believing there's enough grace
even for me
even today
even when I find myself still struggling
"my grace is sufficient for you...
my power is made perfect in your weakness"
what would happen if we allowed grace to meet us each day
day after day
moment after moment
would we sense a lightness in the struggle
a light in the darkness
a presence in the valley
knowing we are not ever meant to go alone
not ever meant to carry it from here
grace
grace
grace
it's still here for you
today
grace
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
anxious and free
Having anxiety has often been something that carries a lot of shame with it. When I first experienced panic attacks and sleepless nights that left me feeling at the bottom, I was desperate for help. My doctor put me on antidepressants and I began to stabilize. But in the Christian world antidepressants are not looked upon fondly. We were headed overseas to do mission work, and I carried with me a mark of shame...something that was hard to speak about. I didn't tell many, but because I was desperate to be known and loved, I did let one of my leaders know. The response confirmed my fear...that to be on antidepressants showed I lacked faith. As I would meet with this woman I would feel the need to discuss whether I was still taking the medicine, and whether I was doing everything to get off...translation: Was I praying, reading the Psalms, praising God?... and so forth. She once said "just praise God!" Her response left me feeling like I was lacking faith, and not doing enough. Because to be a Christian means to not be anxious. To have anxiety means I am sinning...I am not trusting. I am not believing.
"Lord, help me in my unbelief..."
It was hard to be newly diagnosed with anxiety, and to have fallen to such a dark place that I would actually consider antidepressants. I had struggled with depression for several years prior to my anxiety diagnosis, but when a doctor suggested antidepressants and gave me a sample I immediately threw them away and decided to start running and do anything I could to avoid taking medication. I was NOT ok with taking antidepressants. They carried a strong stigma within me, and I refused to think they might help me. I was able to deal with the depression through running and other self-care practices, but when the panic attacks and insomnia hit in 2004, I hit such a low desperate place that I felt I had nothing to turn to but medicine. I was so desperate for help that I said yes to the very drugs I had turned my nose up at a few years prior.
And now we were missionaries on the field. I had a few friends who I was able to talk about it with, but very few. As a result, it felt like a shameful thing. If I had not had one friend in particular who had been so open with me about using medicine for her anxiety, I would have felt completely alone. I will always be thankful that there was one person in my life who shared her story with no hint of shame. She was just matter of fact "I need them. They help me." and this freed me to think that maybe it was ok for me, too.
But honestly I never stopped hoping that I would get off of medicine. That I would either be healed of anxiety, or that I would overcome it, or find ways to cope with it otherwise. And did I pray? YES. Because even with the meds, I still struggled. The meds helped me get my feet back under me, but they did not take away the internal struggle of "I have anxiety". The anxiety was less intense, and I was able to sleep...but my biggest struggle was my anxiety about having anxiety!!!
Fast forward to 13 years later. I have sat in probably ten different counselor offices over the last 13 years, I have had healing prayers prayed over me, I have talked to Christians who would lead me through prayers of forgiveness, I have cried out to God for healing, I have welcomed Jesus into my heart countless times, and at the end of the day...I still do not feel able or free to stop taking medication. In conclusion, I still have anxiety. But am I sinning? Do I lack faith? Am I missing something?
Anxiety has driven me closer to God than anything else in my life. I have found myself leaning on God for strength in a way that if I did not struggle I would not need to. Without anxiety I think I would feel "able" and self-sufficient. I would praise God because everything in my life is going just fine. But anxiety keeps me humble, and very near to God. Without God I could not get up out of bed after a sleepless night. Just a few days ago the thought entered my head "if I didn't have God I would surely be an alcoholic to numb all this pain." On my low days I can only call out to God, and to friends who hold me in loving prayer. Does this make me unbelieving? Does this mean I don't trust God enough?
As I sit with these questions...these very common questions in the Christian world, I am able to sense this is not how God views me. I believe as I look up to his face I am met with such deep love. His gaze towards me is love, not shame. It is not him who is saying "you lack faith". It is not him who says "just praise me more and you'll be healed". Because he knows how open and desperate my heart has turned towards him. He sees my suffering and knows that I have continued to look to him. He sees my heart.
I still long for healing. To be free of anxiety and insomnia. To never have another panic filled sleepless night. OH! That would be amazing. But as I sat with God this morning I could sense his delight in me. And how he is using my struggle with anxiety to form a strong woman who has a story to share. A story that says "you don't need to be ashamed of your struggle." He is inviting me towards freedom EVEN WITH anxiety. He is helping me see that healing from anxiety is not what equals freedom at the deep level. I can live my life with anxiety and be free! It is my scar, but it is not who I am. I am his beloved daughter. That is my story, my inheritance. There is nothing greater than to know we are fully loved even when we are fully known in our broken places. That is freedom!!!!
"Lord, help me in my unbelief..."
It was hard to be newly diagnosed with anxiety, and to have fallen to such a dark place that I would actually consider antidepressants. I had struggled with depression for several years prior to my anxiety diagnosis, but when a doctor suggested antidepressants and gave me a sample I immediately threw them away and decided to start running and do anything I could to avoid taking medication. I was NOT ok with taking antidepressants. They carried a strong stigma within me, and I refused to think they might help me. I was able to deal with the depression through running and other self-care practices, but when the panic attacks and insomnia hit in 2004, I hit such a low desperate place that I felt I had nothing to turn to but medicine. I was so desperate for help that I said yes to the very drugs I had turned my nose up at a few years prior.
And now we were missionaries on the field. I had a few friends who I was able to talk about it with, but very few. As a result, it felt like a shameful thing. If I had not had one friend in particular who had been so open with me about using medicine for her anxiety, I would have felt completely alone. I will always be thankful that there was one person in my life who shared her story with no hint of shame. She was just matter of fact "I need them. They help me." and this freed me to think that maybe it was ok for me, too.
But honestly I never stopped hoping that I would get off of medicine. That I would either be healed of anxiety, or that I would overcome it, or find ways to cope with it otherwise. And did I pray? YES. Because even with the meds, I still struggled. The meds helped me get my feet back under me, but they did not take away the internal struggle of "I have anxiety". The anxiety was less intense, and I was able to sleep...but my biggest struggle was my anxiety about having anxiety!!!
Fast forward to 13 years later. I have sat in probably ten different counselor offices over the last 13 years, I have had healing prayers prayed over me, I have talked to Christians who would lead me through prayers of forgiveness, I have cried out to God for healing, I have welcomed Jesus into my heart countless times, and at the end of the day...I still do not feel able or free to stop taking medication. In conclusion, I still have anxiety. But am I sinning? Do I lack faith? Am I missing something?
Anxiety has driven me closer to God than anything else in my life. I have found myself leaning on God for strength in a way that if I did not struggle I would not need to. Without anxiety I think I would feel "able" and self-sufficient. I would praise God because everything in my life is going just fine. But anxiety keeps me humble, and very near to God. Without God I could not get up out of bed after a sleepless night. Just a few days ago the thought entered my head "if I didn't have God I would surely be an alcoholic to numb all this pain." On my low days I can only call out to God, and to friends who hold me in loving prayer. Does this make me unbelieving? Does this mean I don't trust God enough?
As I sit with these questions...these very common questions in the Christian world, I am able to sense this is not how God views me. I believe as I look up to his face I am met with such deep love. His gaze towards me is love, not shame. It is not him who is saying "you lack faith". It is not him who says "just praise me more and you'll be healed". Because he knows how open and desperate my heart has turned towards him. He sees my suffering and knows that I have continued to look to him. He sees my heart.
I still long for healing. To be free of anxiety and insomnia. To never have another panic filled sleepless night. OH! That would be amazing. But as I sat with God this morning I could sense his delight in me. And how he is using my struggle with anxiety to form a strong woman who has a story to share. A story that says "you don't need to be ashamed of your struggle." He is inviting me towards freedom EVEN WITH anxiety. He is helping me see that healing from anxiety is not what equals freedom at the deep level. I can live my life with anxiety and be free! It is my scar, but it is not who I am. I am his beloved daughter. That is my story, my inheritance. There is nothing greater than to know we are fully loved even when we are fully known in our broken places. That is freedom!!!!
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
who you are
Who you are
is not defined by your good days
or your bad days
your highs
or your lows
Who you are
is not equal to your clothes size
or your chest size
or your shoe size
or your pocket size
Who you are
is not your age
or your youthfulness
or your grey hairs
or your wrinkles
Who you are
is not your thigh gap
or lack of
or your tightness
or your softness
Who you are
is not your job
or your status
your success
or your failure
Who you are
is not how much money you make
or how much you owe
or how much you have
or don't have
Who you are
is not how funny you are
or how popular you are
or how liked you are
or how able you are
Who are you?
If all these things are stripped away
What is left?
What we define ourselves with
changes from day to day
depending on whether we have it together
or we are falling apart
whether we wore the right clothes
said the right thing
did the job well
But this keeps us in performance mode
Meanwhile our true self wonders
Would they like me if they knew the real me?
Would they turn away if they knew my weaknesses?
If they saw me on my off days...
Would I still be ok?
Oh.Shame.
We hide behind the appearances
and the performances
We pretend (and believe) we are ok
We are ok because we have it all together
But there is fear
When things might be exposed
When our stories might be learned
When the dark places come out
When we fail to hide the ugly places
There is good news
There is hope
There is another way to be defined
You are loved
You are God's beloved
When He looks at you
he does not see performance
or ability
or style
or age
or income
or success
He.sees.you.
YOU.
as you are
beloved you
His heart is full with love for you
He even dances when he thinks of you
And his love cannot be chased away
or lost
or removed
nothing.NOTHING.NOthing
can separate you from his love
To be loved
To be defined by love
is to be free
to be yourself
who you are
truly you
no shame
no pretending
no acting
just YOU
beloved
you
You do not have to do anything
to prove your worth
to earn this love
NO.
it's just there
love flowing
like a river
waiting for you to step in
and believe it's true
washing over you
stirring in you
cleansing you
baptizing you
blessing you
beloved
i am
well pleased
with you
can you hear his voice
can you hear the song
can you feel the embrace
can you receive this love
you do not have to change for love
love changes you
beloved
that is who you are
be.loved
You
is not defined by your good days
or your bad days
your highs
or your lows
Who you are
is not equal to your clothes size
or your chest size
or your shoe size
or your pocket size
Who you are
is not your age
or your youthfulness
or your grey hairs
or your wrinkles
Who you are
is not your thigh gap
or lack of
or your tightness
or your softness
Who you are
is not your job
or your status
your success
or your failure
Who you are
is not how much money you make
or how much you owe
or how much you have
or don't have
Who you are
is not how funny you are
or how popular you are
or how liked you are
or how able you are
Who are you?
If all these things are stripped away
What is left?
What we define ourselves with
changes from day to day
depending on whether we have it together
or we are falling apart
whether we wore the right clothes
said the right thing
did the job well
But this keeps us in performance mode
Meanwhile our true self wonders
Would they like me if they knew the real me?
Would they turn away if they knew my weaknesses?
If they saw me on my off days...
Would I still be ok?
Oh.Shame.
We hide behind the appearances
and the performances
We pretend (and believe) we are ok
We are ok because we have it all together
But there is fear
When things might be exposed
When our stories might be learned
When the dark places come out
When we fail to hide the ugly places
There is good news
There is hope
There is another way to be defined
You are loved
You are God's beloved
When He looks at you
he does not see performance
or ability
or style
or age
or income
or success
He.sees.you.
YOU.
as you are
beloved you
His heart is full with love for you
He even dances when he thinks of you
And his love cannot be chased away
or lost
or removed
nothing.NOTHING.NOthing
can separate you from his love
To be loved
To be defined by love
is to be free
to be yourself
who you are
truly you
no shame
no pretending
no acting
just YOU
beloved
you
You do not have to do anything
to prove your worth
to earn this love
NO.
it's just there
love flowing
like a river
waiting for you to step in
and believe it's true
washing over you
stirring in you
cleansing you
baptizing you
blessing you
beloved
i am
well pleased
with you
can you hear his voice
can you hear the song
can you feel the embrace
can you receive this love
you do not have to change for love
love changes you
beloved
that is who you are
be.loved
You
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)