on doing and being

One of my least favorite questions these days is "What have you been doing lately?"  This question also comes in the form of "what are you up to?" etc.  And in all its forms, I struggle to give an answer.  Is it because I've lived outside of America so long that all my social skills are gone?  I can't fake my way through a conversation anymore?  Or more likely it's because I'm just not "doing" much that people would be interested in.  I'm not working right now...I'm a stay at home mom.  So my answer could be something like "I've been cooking, doing dishes, folding laundry, and sitting on the couch reading Facebook for my social life!"  Ha ha!  But I know that's not the interesting answer the asker is looking for.
And so I just respond with a stutter and a blank face.  What's the answer they are looking for?  Sometimes I mutter "oh, not much."  or I try to fumble through my head in search of what we did recently that might be of interest "well, we actually went fishing yesterday." etc. etc.
But recently I was humored (and admittedly a bit hurt) when a woman who asks me this question every time she sees me answered it for herself.
"Hey Lori, what have you been up to?" I smiled and was quickly trying to think of some reply...and then she cut in with "same ol', same ol'" and then she turned to the person standing next to me.
Wow!  That really boxed me in.  I felt completely "known" and yet completely "Unknown" if you know what I mean!  In just a brief exchange I felt she already had made her conclusion--Lori has nothing going on in her life of interest, and so I'll just go ahead and answer my question for her.
Being that we already feel a bit strange and on the outside here--a natural part of culture reentry shock--it didn't really go over well for me.  I came home and relayed the story to Pete.  I later told the story again to a friend who knows me and could laugh about it with me.
But why did it hurt me?  And why did I find myself analyzing this brief interaction?
I think it's because it touches the heart of what this journey of the past year has been for me.
When we left Laos I had been in the mode of doing for several years.  And I always felt like I was falling short.  But if you'd asked me, "What have you been doing these days?" I would have had an answer.  I could have listed several things off for you.  I was doing things.
But I was failing at a lot of the things I was doing.  It was not fulfilling my need to be someone.  I was only reminded constantly of what I was not doing, not capable of doing, etc.
And one of the first questions I sat with in the beginning of our Sabbatical year was
"Who am I?"
and this one question began to unravel so many layers in me.  Began to get to the heart of my longing.  What doing could never give me.  I could do do do and never know myself, and there could always be an ache inside that would leave me with the question of "Who am I if I can't..."
But this three word question "Who am I?" was one that would begin a journey of healing in me.  Set me free.
For the next several months I read books, journaled, thought about this question.  And have come to a place where I realize that doing cannot define us.  If we try to define who we are by what we do, we will always feel insufficient, not enough, hungry, disappointed, etc.  Even if we are doing amazing things that impress others.  And when doing defines who we are, and when we live into this, I think anxiety and depression are trailing close behind.  Anxiety about keeping it up.  Gotta keep doing more.  We aren't free to say no.  People might not like us.  We might disappoint people.  So we say yes to way more than we can truly do.
And again, I am reminded of the picture I had just before we left Laos...(if you've been reading my blog some of my stories will start to sound familiar as they weave in and out of my writing)
remember the plate spinner?  The lady who is trying to keep more than a dozen plates spinning, but then the nervous breakdown comes when she realizes she CAN NOT SPIN THOSE PLATES ANYMORE!  They're going to start crashing down...
ANXIETY!
But this question "Who am I?" was where God could begin to speak to me.  Begin to show me that my worth was not at all from what I was doing, or not doing.  He simply defined me as his beloved daughter.  And if I could begin to know who I was as He saw me, then I could be free!  Free of the burden of defining myself (and helping others to define me) by what I was doing.
Free!  Who doesn't want to be free?!!!
And the journey continues (I know I say that a lot, but it's so true!)...
I continue to discover and live into the knowledge of who I am defined by my being, not my doing.  This is not to say that I don't have to do anything anymore.  But my doing is NOT where I will look to be defined.  I don't have to prove to you, or others, or God, or myself that I am somebody based on what I do.  I am free of this game!!!  I get to BE the person I was created to be.  And in knowing who I am, I am free to then exist and live out of this reality more and more.  To flesh out this being, and becoming.  To invite others into knowing who they are.
And so I've thought more of this question that is so much a part of our culture "What are you doing these days?" and have sometimes wondered, what if we asked "How are you being these days?"  In a sense, asking how YOU are?
It's in being still, in clearing the desk off, in finding the lost gem of ourselves that we can find life.   It's an invitation for all of us...

Do you dare ask yourself "Who am I?"

culture shock

Culture (reentry) shock is feeling
    lost
like a child
    strange
misunderstood
    unknown
odd
     on the outside
different
     like an observer
small
     but stick out like a sore thumb
quiet
     but have a lot to say
funny
     but not haha funny
exhausted from trying hard
     out of sync
homesick
     in a time warp
teary
     grief

but there is beauty
in being an outsider
seeing what no one else sees anymore
with new eyes
able to be a learner
appreciate all that you do have
reconnecting with yourself
and with your Creator
making room for new things
new people
and the humility that comes
in not knowing how things are done here
and having to ask
and be a little off
sometimes when we are strangers
we actually remember the truth of what matters
not "fitting in"
but caring about people
and making room for others to feel safe
to take off their masks
and confess that they too don't have it all figured out!