mustard seed faith

i have had some really hard days
surrounded by some ok days
and it's hard to talk about them
because i don't want to be defined by them
but those really hard days
do define me
as i find myself walking through the
valley of the shadow of death
i feel afraid
but he says i will
not.be.afraid
for he
is
with
me

some people have told me that my anxiety
means that i lack faith
not directly
but in their responses of what i should do
pray more
praise God more
read the psalms
think positive
stop.worrying
worry is sin
stop

i get it
i understand
and i have worried more as a result

LORD, HELP ME
in my unbelief

i lack faith
my faith is small
it's not enough
"she who has faith the size of a mustard seed..."
a mustard seed?
recently i held a mustard seed in my hand
it
was
small
so small that it fell out of my hand
and i could not find it again
mustard seed faith
so all i need is faith the size of a
mustard seed?
the size of the dot at the end of this line   .
mustard
seed
faith

so do i have anxiety
because my faith
is less than a mustard seed?

on my good days
i feel like life is ok
i can do this thing called life
it's not so hard
"thank you God!"
and i live my life
but on my bad days
i wake up with the heaviness
and i spend each moment of my day
in a battle
between fear
despair
and prayer
"help!"
i lean in desperately
i talk to God
all.day.long.

God
take this cup
from me
But, not my will
but yours
be
done

when Jesus said these words
did he not tremble?
was he not afraid?
did he not feel
anxious

but he knew
he
could
trust
the one who was leading him
through the valley of the shadow of death
of death itself

and so i know
anxiety and depression
are not the end of my story
they are marks along the way
scars on my soul
my mind
my heart
but they continue to remind me
that I am not meant to do life alone
but to lean into the one
who knows
that perfect love
casts out fear
perfect love
has the last say
perfect love
is
greater
than
my
fear

i continue to run to his arms
and receive comfort
i continue to say "yes Lord
i
need
you

i cannot do this without you
i am not
self
sufficient
i
am
weak
weary
afraid

but
you are
love
light
here

i
run
to.you.

and every time
you
soothe me
the way a mother
comforts
her distressed child
my
soul
finds
rest
in,God.alone

love
is greater
than my fear

mustard seed faith .

that's all i need
you
are
all
i
need

soul beauty (it's not for sale)

beauty.
who defines it?
who has it?

mirror mirror on the wall-
who is fairest of them all?

is beauty skin deep? or is it soul deep?

our culture cannot market soul beauty.  so it focuses on skin beauty.  hair beauty.  fashion beauty. house beauty. children beauty. anything that will cost us money.
new clothes, new car, makeup, hair products, plastic surgery, supplements, exercise, fashionable clothes to exercise in...
there's no end
and there will always be someone fairer than you to keep you enslaved to the pursuit of beauty
until you decide that beauty is
something deeper
something more precious
something money cannot buy
soul beauty

soul beauty cannot be captured by a camera
it cannot be seen by the naked eye
it cannot be capitalized on
it cannot be bought
it cannot be sold

it does not cost money
it costs your entire life
you must let go of the pursuit of outer beauty
let go of seeking to be what others value
release cultural notions of beauty
and allow yourself to step aside
to listen to the one who created you
hear the voice of love speaking into your soul
telling you, whispering to you

"child, woman, man...
you are the fairest of them all
I love you
you are mine
beloved
there is treasure in your jar of clay
listen to my voice
know your true value
let me put my hands on you
shape you
heal your wounds
touch your soul
let me 
love you
hold you
have you...
keep your money in the bank
just give me your soul
and you will know beauty that is eternal
that never fades
will shine like the stars in the heavens
beloved, you are mine
which beauty will you choose?"