ode to 41

happy birthday to me.
what's so special about 41?  it's not 40, it's definitely not 21.  no...it's 21 PLUS 20 more!!

but i still get excited when it's my birthday, and i'm not letting 41 stop me from my childhood anticipation of a birthday.

so happy birthday to me, even 41! I will not pretend to be younger.  I will celebrate another year.  getting older is seen as scary.  but me, I want to embrace it.

I found my first grey hair at 20.  I pulled it out.  No! I don't want to be old.  But there it was, beckoning me, taunting me, reminding me that getting older is....ummm, natural.
so why fight what is natural?
celebrate it
celebrate me
celebrate life

here I am at 41 feeling young inside.  so much goodness has happened in my life these past few years
I have found myself.  I have shed off some of my false layers.  Like a facial to the soul.  I feel freer. Lighter. Happier.  YES! happier.  how can that be?  I'm 41 you say.  Nope, 41 is a good number.  It's my number today.

So go ahead and wonder, is she going crazy? maybe age is getting to her early.  maybe she had a little too much to drink.  You can wonder.  But I know.  I am 41, and it's ok.  I'm 41 and it's not a day too old.  Today I am soberly happy.  And I don't mind telling you, or anyone, that it's truly good to be aging.

And grey hairs?  YUP, I got WAY TOO many to pluck on this birthday.  They are sparkling in the sunlight.  Not even hidden by color.  Just there to remind me, I'm not going backwards in my age.
Nope...just forwards.

So, happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to the one I know best.  Me.
And I am happy to be alive.  Happy to be me.  Thank you for bringing me this far.
Happy birthday Lori!

too quiet

Pete and the boys decided to linger in the Bahamas for a few days longer.  The original plan was that I would cross back with them on the weekend, after two weeks of island life.  The weather looked good for our family's crossing...and then the boys got an invitation they could not pass up.  A friend who was in the Bahamas invited them to stay and do a boys' spear fishing trip.  Instead of crossing back on our boat together, I would fly home and they would jump aboard their friends' boat.  Two dads and four boys.  No room for moms.  My friend and I flew home to have a few days to ourselves.  Sounds luxurious, right?!!  When I told a friend that I would be home alone for a few days, she responded "what I wouldn't give for that kind of time alone in my house!"  I found myself feeling the opposite.  I was actually feeling anxious about the idea of being home in our house alone for 4 days. While I am an introvert and enjoy space, it sounded like way too much space for me.  What would I do with all that time?  How would I not fall into a dark place of loneliness in that time?  What I be ok?  I said yes to the boys, because I knew it would be an opportunity they may never be presented with again...but I braced myself for the loneliness that awaited in our home.
Once I arrived home, I found the first few days to actually be a gift of time.  The first two days passed quickly as I dove into art projects and reading.  And then I got a text from Pete..."it looks like we won't be home until Sunday, the weather isn't looking good to cross on Wednesday."  Four days alone was one thing...but four more days alone?!!!  And they wouldn't be home until late on my birthday?  It was hard for me to swallow this information.  Hard to be ok with the idea of four more days of...quiet.
As I sit and write this, it's the day before they come home.  Somehow, I have been ok--even good.  I have found projects to do.  Rooms to clean.  Books to read.  Friends to spend time with (lots of girl nights!).  But the loneliness has crept in when I come to the end of a day.  I have had moments where I haven't really known what to do with myself.  Do I read now?  Do I go shopping even though I really don't need anything?  Do I clean the house?  Do I use my time for something fun?  With all this space and time I have way too much time to entertain "what should I do?" than I am comfortable with.  It feels easier to be told what to do, dictated by circumstances, needs of others, than to face the question of "now what?"
This morning I woke up with the gnawing awareness of boredom...or is that loneliness?  I felt annoyed at Ruby (our puppy) for whining and demanding attention that I wasn't in the mood to give.  I made myself coffee as I faced yet another quiet morning to myself.  I should be thankful I told myself!!!  But that is not how I was feeling.  I went upstairs to continue my major cleaning project in the boys room.  As I sat there I was very aware that something was blocked inside me.  All I had felt so far was annoyed at my needy dog who was demanding way too much emotional energy that I did not have to give her.  It started to sink in...I'm needy.  I need attention.  I...am...lonely.  As I allowed myself to say these words, tears came.  Yes, that is it!  I'm lonely.  But in that moment I knew the answer was not to rush and call someone or find a person to be with me.  I just needed to let myself acknowledge my deep loneliness.  And as I noticed this, to make it a prayer.  "God, I feel lonely."  And I could sense his response.  "I know, and it's ok."  The tears, and this silent moment was all I needed.  Somehow it freed me to be able to go downstairs and take my dogs on a walk--and to not feel so annoyed with them.  Because I am needy.  I need to know I am loved, I am known, I am not alone.  But in order to know this, I have to acknowledge what I am feeling.  It's not about making the feelings go away, or ignoring them, or minimizing them.  It's simply about making space to notice what's there.  To be honest with myself.  I think it was a relief to be able to say "I am lonely" without feeling judged or condemned or weak or "what's wrong with you?"  Just a "yes, I know, and I am here with you."  Somehow admitting how I feel makes it seem less threatening, and less of a problem to fix.  It's ok to feel lonely.  It's normal to feel lonely.
And yes, when the boys get home tomorrow evening I am going to miss the quiet. haha!

a love story

what story lines do you believe that are not true, and yet they feel true?  what do you believe about yourself that is hurting you, holding you back from freedom in your life?  what have you clung to because it feels safer to believe it than to challenge it?
anytime we put a label on someone, we are defining the title of their story. we are telling them "you are..." and these can be either positive or negative.  yet, when we label someone by a single characteristic we limit them for good or bad.  and even if we have good intentions "you are so young and beautiful" we are telling them "don't get old or ugly, because your value lies in the fact that you are so young and beautiful."  we don't mean to define people.  we don't mean to trap people by the labels we put on them (well, sometimes we do...just not always).  but when we define people by only parts of their person, we limit people.  they forget the whole of who they are.  you and I have forgotten who we are.  and we must be reminded time and again who we  really are.  the problem is, who knows who we really are?  who can remind us in our amnesia supported by a culture that loves to define us by parts of our self?
I often have been defined by adjectives like "serious, good listener, smart, wise, nice, kind, good..."  those are the positive labels that have defined my story line about myself.  but then there are the less positive labels--"anxious, fearful, worrier, dull, plain, serious..."  whether you agree with these doesn't really matter, because it's what we believe about ourself that is ultimately what defines how we live.  how we relate to others.  how we go about our lives.  so sure, you can tell me something nice to try and change my negative self-perceptions, but if I don't believe you then I will probably smile kindly and just say internally "whatever...if you only knew this about me..."  or I might say "you have to say that, you're my friend/mom/husband."
so how do we change our story-lines about ourselves?  we have to get to know who we really are.  we have to look in a mirror that shows us our true self.  the mirror that doesn't show us the masked self.  the mirror that has no cultural biases, no perception of what we should be.  just the mirror that sees the inner created person we are.  and I will add that no one will want to look in this mirror unless we know that this mirror is held by a loving Creator.  I sure don't want to look in a mirror that is out to tear me down, hurt me, shame me, point fingers at me...
but a mirror held by the One who loves me?  ok, I will dare to look in that mirror.  yes, a mirror that says "I see your belovedness when I look at you."  a mirror that says "you are loved. you are beautiful. you are enough.  you are mine."  that is the mirror of truth that will change our story-lines.  that is the mirror that challenges our labels and beliefs that hold us back, keep us down, oppress us, shame us.
I want to look in this mirror.  I want to see myself in this light.  but I cannot look in this mirror without being changed.  each time I dare to look at myself the way this mirror sees me, I will not be able to continue to believe the old story-lines that I have somehow adopted.  I will be forced to challenge those beliefs that say "I'm not quite enough.  I am too plain.  there is something wrong with me.  I can't let others know the true me..."
sometimes it feels safer to keep on believing our story-lines.  we have found safety and comfort in the voices of people who have defined us.  to challenge these story-lines feels uncomfortable.  what will I do if I start believing I am loved?  how could I go on living this life if I knew I am more than I have believed?
and so we go on living in what has become our safe cage.  forgetting how to fly.  forgetting who we are.  not knowing what lies beyond.  not daring to look at the horizon, wondering what might be inviting us to more.
but friend, i would like to encourage you to dare to glimpse into the mirror that is held by one who loves you.  one who knows you.  one who longs to sing a song over you, to you.  friend, may I help hold the mirror for you, as I, too, dare to glimpse in it for myself?
love is waiting.

itchy neck and beauty

Just show up to your life.  Stay on your mat!  Have you heard these spoken or written before?  Glennon Doyle Melton (author of Love Warriors and Carry on Warriors) talks about staying on your mat, meaning don't run away from the hard things in life.  Show up!  Well, if we're honest, it's easy to say these things on our good days.  And very hard to practice them on our hard days.  I will confess that is very true for me...
Here I am showing up today, but yesterday was the hard day.  Yesterday was the day that I retreated like a hermit crab into my shell.  Someone is passing by...retreat.  Hide.  And the darkness of my lonely shell felt miserable.  All day long I struggled with my anxious thoughts.  My triggers were high and I was feeling like a girl caught in the rip current of the ocean, forgetting which way to swim out from the rip current (the signs always tell you at the entrance of the ocean...but who can remember when they're actually caught in a scary rip current!?!)  So there I was struggling.  Too embarrassed to post anything on my anxiety support group Facebook page...that I happened to create.  Me...the one who talks about being vulnerable and real and showing up to your life.  Yes, even me.  I still struggle.  Even after paying way too much for counseling (I'm too embarrassed to say how much I have estimated paying for counseling!) I still hide on a day like yesterday. I will say that I didn't stay in bed.  I did my best to do what I have learned from all that expensive counseling despite feeling fearful, anxious, and caught in a hamster wheel of anxious thoughts.
Even though I knew that my brain was doing its addictive anxious thought patterns, I really didn't do much to divert it.  I got on the internet and researched how to eat better, what supplements I should take...all those dangerous no-nos that I have already told myself I should NOT do on an anxiety day.  But there I was...saying "no big deal, it's just a few clicks.  I won't do this for a long time like last time..." slippery slope words... (yes, denial words...)
But somewhere in the midst of my early evening I looked out the window (which we have a lot of in our house, thankfully) and noticed the beauty.  It triggered a healthy thought (oh, thank you counselor for embedding some healthy thought seeds into my brain!)...look outside, notice the beauty, distract my anxious fear brain, be thankful.  Practice gratitude!  Oh yeah, gratitude.  All day long I was thinking about all that was miserable about my life.  My itchy itchy neck from eating something the day before.  Feeling despair that my neck will always be itchy.  Thinking that maybe I can never eat again...stuck. Trapped. Despair. Fear. Anxiety.  THEN, that beautiful thought of "oh, there is still so much beauty around me! Still so much to be thankful for.  Lift your eyes up! See.  Notice!"  For a moment I breathed deeper.  I noticed.  I saw the beauty.  And as I kept making myself do this each time the fear thoughts would say "no no, be worried.  think about us.  fix your problems!" I noticed that I was able to have a little more breathing room.  To remember that this too will pass.  There is still sunshine and beauty in this world.  My fear is not the whole reality.  I do not have to stay in the darkness.  My fear is just fear.  But look, there is light, and beauty still!!!  Light is greater than darkness.  Light a small candle in a dark cave and you will notice the light.
As I lay in bed my neck was still very itchy, reminding me of something I should be very very worried about.  But I decided to turn my thoughts to beauty, and what I am thankful for.  To remind myself that this will pass.  I'm going to be ok.  And God is still with me.  And I felt a flicker of...hope, and maybe even joy (these are not familiar feelings...I'm still learning what they feel like!)  And I fell asleep...

can I rest yet?

we long for rest, yet actually resting takes a conscious decision to cease working.  and this is where we seem to have trouble.  until illness strikes.  until the job is finished.  until something interrupts us and forces us to stop.  we go around complaining that we are tired, bored, and never have enough hours in the day.  are we victims to our lives?  do we have no control over the busy lifestyles we maintain?  are we driven by others? bosses? friends? work? who is driving all the busyness?  Why is rest so hard for us to allow ourselves? 

Today I was talking to someone telling me that her weekend was busy.  She was tired.  I thought, wow, it sounds like she needs another weekend to recover from her weekend.  And I know you have heard this before "my vacation was full! I need another vacation to recover from my vacation!"  We don't seem to know how to rest.  Is rest a lost art?  What are we waiting for?  (permission to rest?! from whom?)

What are we afraid of? We finally have time to "rest" and we fill it with more stuff.  More activities.  Are we afraid of the quiet? Afraid of the stillness?  Afraid of being alone with ourselves?

And yet we are tried.  Driven by fear of deadlines, places to go, things to do, and we don't want others to think we are lazy.  

driven

weary

chaos

busy

noise

restless

bored

...burned out

"Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest."

Hungry

tired

thirsty

weary

I want rest!

I am coming.

Dropping the work.

Stepping out of the "ought to's"

Ignoring the fear

I come

Embraced by love

Held

Comforted

I breathe

You are here

I am here

Embraced

Relief

My soul finds rest in God alone

Restored

Rested

Ready to go

Knowing who I am

There is a flow of 

creative energy

defined by rest and love

May I live in your rest

Letting the rivers of love

flow into me

And through me

I will mount up with wings like eagles

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk and not grow faint

My rest is found in you, O God

And my work flows from this rest

Stuck prayer

Sometimes I get stuck.  Stuck in the mud of anxiety in my brain.  Thoughts take me down paths, and then I find myself trying to figure out how I am going to solve/fix something that has no answers.  And it gets me spinning off into unhealthy places of fear.  Because I can NOT fix the problem no matter how hard my brain tries to solve it.  Exhaustion.  Anxiety.  Fear.  UGH!!!
Yesterday I swung from what I would call "healthy" thoughts to some of these "stuck in the mud" thoughts.  And when I would wake up and realize these are "stuck in the mud" thoughts I would feel defeated.  Looking back I should have been happy that I could at least identify that these are my unhealthy thoughts.  Because that is the first step!!!
Anytime I get stuck in the mud it's usually because I'm trying to solve my problems...those problems that really have no solutions that I can find today.  And the more I think about what to do the worse shape I'm in.  And I get this glazed over withdrawn look that my husband is like "knock knock, anyone home?"  And I get annoyed because he's bothering me from all my problem solving.
Deep breath.  Sigh.
God, I surrender my stick in the mud thoughts to you.  They aren't helping me.  They are hurting me. I keep going back to the mud, but what I really want is to be free to run in the open fields of love. I want to see my hair flowing from the wind as I run free, like a little girl who has yet to be tainted by the cares of the world.  God, set me free with your truth...the truth is that these muddy thoughts are not the ones I have to fix.  I don't have to fix the mud in my life.  Bring me back over and over to your wellspring...the place where the waters flow freely.  Dip into the waters of love...love that casts out any remembrance of fear.  Until I am completely absorbed and in awe with your beauty.  Continue to stir the deep places in me...that I can respond to your love with love.  You are so good.  So beautiful.  And I want to wake up and see you.  To step out of the slumber that comes from muddy thoughts.  God you alone can save me.  You alone can rescue me.  I lift my arms to you...lift me up.  You are my Savior.  My prince of peace.

to flow or block

I woke up at 4:30 am this morning.  Not my idea of morning, but after laying in bed for nearly an hour more and realizing my brain was on and my husband's loud breathing was annoying me the more I lay there...I decided to get up.  My creative brain had turned on and thoughts were flowing.  I could choose to get up and tap in, or continue to try and turn if off which is where anxiety often has a doorway in--especially when sleep doesn't return., I have let anxiety win for too long.  But while it would seem logical to tap into the creativity, it scares me.  Where will it take me/us?  (I'm not in control.)  And so I try to contain it, stop it, push it back, resist it, press it back where it came from, give it parameters (not now...maybe later).  So to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep gives me a choice...to be annoyed, anxious (that I'm awake not sleeping) or just say yes to the creative flow that is roaring inside (it feels like a river.  Time to get out my inner tube and ride it.)
Where will this creative flow take me (us)?  Maybe no where.  Maybe somewhere.  Maybe just to the computer at 5 am.
But instead of blocking it I decided to get up.  To wake up.  To show up.  To ride it.  To embrace it.
Recently I was at a women's retreat and the lady taught us a song.  Very simple, not my favorite tune, and I felt silly singing it with hand motions and all...but the song got stuck in my head.  "I step into the flow let everything go, I open my heart, my mind and my soul..."  This silly (annoying) song greeted me at 5 am as I tossed and turned trying to go back to sleep.  (If it weren't for my husband's stopped up nose and loud breathing I might be asleep right now...)
Step into the flow, let everything go...
Yesterday I was at the grocery store and ran into a woman from church.  We don't know each other very well, but we know each other well enough to have an awkward conversation in the bacon aisle.  We both said hi and then she filled the space with words.  The more she talked, the more I felt the awkwardness of wishing I knew what to say.  Wishing I could connect in a more meaningful way. But in the end my hands hung by my sides and I made some stupid comment about bacon.  We parted, probably both relieved that our conversation had ended.  This conversation came back to me at somewhere around 4:45 am.  Why?  I think I was reminded that I didn't step into the flow.  I didn't reach out and give her a hug.  I didn't open myself up to the Spirit of God that wants to connect us to each other.  The spirit of grace, the spirit of love, the spirit of connection.  Instead I engaged from my head.  I awkwardly fumbled for words I didn't have to fill a conversation neither of us knew how to have, and yet we didn't know how to reach out and say "real connection would be nice..."
Yep, these are the kinds of things I think about when I can't sleep.  Those missed moments of opportunity to show up.  Those times when I wish I had had more courage to step out of the societal norms that say "act like this, say this, do this...because that is culturally acceptable"  All those things you want to do?  Ignore them.  They are weird.  Don't be weird.  Be normal.
What is normal? I ask.  I have lived in Southeast Asia for 1/4 of my life.  And to be fair...half of my adult life.  I'm not sure I know what is normal.  And is normal even normal?  What if I am hiding my gifts by trying to be normal?  What if I am holding back the flow of creative energy within me?
What if we all are?  I am not suggesting that I have an amazing creative flow that others don't.  I actually think we all have a creative energy within us.  This creative energy is not the same for you or me.  But because I believe we were all created by a Creator, I have this idea that creativity is within us.  Creativity is what brings new things into existence in our world.  Creativity is what makes things new again.  Creativity is what brings us spring after a long winter.  Creativity is the color, the music, the flow that keeps us moving forward in hope.  Keeps us believing that life is worth living.  That there must be more than talk about bacon.  There must be more than just getting out of bed every day to go to a job you don't like.  Or for my kids, there is more than just getting up to go to school everyday because adults want kids to have a boring life.  (That is what my kids have said to me about school...)
What if we stepped into the flow, and let everything go?  What if we stopped living the "I should be..." story lines and asked "What do I want? What do I long for?"  I tell myself I should be asleep right now...not up writing and I feel anxiety.  Fear.
I say "no, I want to let this creative flow out for once...see where it takes me..." and I am free.
To step into the flow is scary.  Where will it take me (us)?  I am not in control.  It requires putting my feet into the river.
But it might feel something like adventure too...