too quiet

Pete and the boys decided to linger in the Bahamas for a few days longer.  The original plan was that I would cross back with them on the weekend, after two weeks of island life.  The weather looked good for our family's crossing...and then the boys got an invitation they could not pass up.  A friend who was in the Bahamas invited them to stay and do a boys' spear fishing trip.  Instead of crossing back on our boat together, I would fly home and they would jump aboard their friends' boat.  Two dads and four boys.  No room for moms.  My friend and I flew home to have a few days to ourselves.  Sounds luxurious, right?!!  When I told a friend that I would be home alone for a few days, she responded "what I wouldn't give for that kind of time alone in my house!"  I found myself feeling the opposite.  I was actually feeling anxious about the idea of being home in our house alone for 4 days. While I am an introvert and enjoy space, it sounded like way too much space for me.  What would I do with all that time?  How would I not fall into a dark place of loneliness in that time?  What I be ok?  I said yes to the boys, because I knew it would be an opportunity they may never be presented with again...but I braced myself for the loneliness that awaited in our home.
Once I arrived home, I found the first few days to actually be a gift of time.  The first two days passed quickly as I dove into art projects and reading.  And then I got a text from Pete..."it looks like we won't be home until Sunday, the weather isn't looking good to cross on Wednesday."  Four days alone was one thing...but four more days alone?!!!  And they wouldn't be home until late on my birthday?  It was hard for me to swallow this information.  Hard to be ok with the idea of four more days of...quiet.
As I sit and write this, it's the day before they come home.  Somehow, I have been ok--even good.  I have found projects to do.  Rooms to clean.  Books to read.  Friends to spend time with (lots of girl nights!).  But the loneliness has crept in when I come to the end of a day.  I have had moments where I haven't really known what to do with myself.  Do I read now?  Do I go shopping even though I really don't need anything?  Do I clean the house?  Do I use my time for something fun?  With all this space and time I have way too much time to entertain "what should I do?" than I am comfortable with.  It feels easier to be told what to do, dictated by circumstances, needs of others, than to face the question of "now what?"
This morning I woke up with the gnawing awareness of boredom...or is that loneliness?  I felt annoyed at Ruby (our puppy) for whining and demanding attention that I wasn't in the mood to give.  I made myself coffee as I faced yet another quiet morning to myself.  I should be thankful I told myself!!!  But that is not how I was feeling.  I went upstairs to continue my major cleaning project in the boys room.  As I sat there I was very aware that something was blocked inside me.  All I had felt so far was annoyed at my needy dog who was demanding way too much emotional energy that I did not have to give her.  It started to sink in...I'm needy.  I need attention.  I...am...lonely.  As I allowed myself to say these words, tears came.  Yes, that is it!  I'm lonely.  But in that moment I knew the answer was not to rush and call someone or find a person to be with me.  I just needed to let myself acknowledge my deep loneliness.  And as I noticed this, to make it a prayer.  "God, I feel lonely."  And I could sense his response.  "I know, and it's ok."  The tears, and this silent moment was all I needed.  Somehow it freed me to be able to go downstairs and take my dogs on a walk--and to not feel so annoyed with them.  Because I am needy.  I need to know I am loved, I am known, I am not alone.  But in order to know this, I have to acknowledge what I am feeling.  It's not about making the feelings go away, or ignoring them, or minimizing them.  It's simply about making space to notice what's there.  To be honest with myself.  I think it was a relief to be able to say "I am lonely" without feeling judged or condemned or weak or "what's wrong with you?"  Just a "yes, I know, and I am here with you."  Somehow admitting how I feel makes it seem less threatening, and less of a problem to fix.  It's ok to feel lonely.  It's normal to feel lonely.
And yes, when the boys get home tomorrow evening I am going to miss the quiet. haha!