I dare you
to come out from hiding
the true You
the one hiding behind the masks
I dare you
to lay down the layers
the "you's" that the world
has helped you create
the "you's" that really aren't you
I dare you
to step out from behind the curtain
the safety net of hiding
because you just don't think others will like you
if they really knew you
and yet you don't like yourself
because this isn't really you
Trying so hard to be
what you really weren't meant to be
but what the world tells you you should be
Lots of people walking around
players in a script
written by the world
costing our souls
Taking away life
sometimes we believe
it's all there really is
Until someone dares
to step out and say "this is the real me!"
i'm done with the game
ready to become the real me
The one I was created to be
I dare you
to step out and see
the freedom that comes
when you no longer have to create yourself
but you get to become yourself
The freedom that comes
when we know who we are
and the world no longer gets to decide
who we are or who we are not
I dare you
to walk the path that is less clear
but the courage it takes will bring
a freedom that few have tasted
I dare you
to meet yourself
the true YOU
the one crying out to be loved
accepted
free
Free to be YOU
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
enter the rest
do you go to a church that encourages rest? to be still, stop your doing, and cease the busy-ness? can you hear that without a tone of condemnation? can you sense the freedom in an invitation to rest? or does it scare you..."if I rest, I might like it so much that I might stop doing...stop achieving, stop making a difference"
are we threatened by rest? by the idea of stopping...being still...ceasing to work? do we fear that we will be lazy? or miss something? or not "get the job done" that he has called us to do?
are those passages about being still, or honoring sabbath, or that one that says "Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest" meant for those ones who have worked hard and "earned" their rest? Or is this an invitation for ALL who are weary, regardless of what you have done or not done. regardless of your achievements or the fact that you haven't achieved anything noteworthy as of yet?
and what if rest is actually the path that leads to the true ministry?
what if healing that comes when we rest, and the knowing that comes when we are still is the true invitation extended to each one of us?
and what if the church could support us and even invite and encourage us to walk this quieter path?
the noise of the world
the busy-ness of life
always busy
always going
never time to stop
gotta check my calendar to see
when am I free
running off to something else
never seeing
never noticing
missing something...
it was hard to decide to take a year off. if anything I felt like a failure when we left Laos in 2013. the work/ministry that we had gone to do...it never really "became" what I had imagined in 2009 when we said yes. I was headed to something great. I was going to do great things for God. I was going to help others know him. and all I found at the end of 4 years was a sense of "not enough". Failure. Ouch.
and so sweetly, his words spoke loudly to my sun-scorched soul..."Come to me all who are weary"
Lord, is that you? Are you speaking this to me? Could it be that you are inviting me to rest? I want it, but can I have it? I didn't really "earn it". I never achieved what I had hoped to. But can I believe that you are inviting me into rest? Oh, it sounds so wonderful...so soul quenching. Lord, I am tired. Beyond tired. And I don't think that I will ever achieve what I came here to do. I'm a failure...
he makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul
an invitation to come and sit with him. to stop and be filled. to eat and drink. to lie down in soft green grass by a stream. wow, sounds like a 5 star resort. I want it!
but I don't deserve it
Come, ALL WHO ARE WEARY
and while I could still think of so many reasons that I could not receive this invitation, my soul had already clung to the invite. I couldn't play it off "Oh, Lord, thanks for the invite but I am not quite done with the great stuff I'm meant to do here...I'll come next year." NOPE, my soul was running and begging for water, and my pride had only to follow my soul-starved self
and he gives
He gives! it wasn't all a 5 star holiday. it wasn't all easy to just rest and have "nothing to do". honestly, it was HARD. Hard to know how to rest. I soon found that I could busy myself with other things--facebook, internet, worrying, grocery shopping, etc. the being still was new to me. how does one "cease striving" when that was my whole way of doing ministry? whole way of giving back to God, serving God, and dare I say "earning his love/respect"?!!
but so quietly, so slowly I began to be stripped of beliefs that just weren't working. this idea that being successful was based on what I had done. To think that I had something to prove to God, to others to justify my being. and I came to this question "Can I believe I am worthy even if I have nothing to offer?"
the transformation continues. the grace to be on a journey is greater than I could ever dare hope for. and learning to trust that my fear of being seen as lazy or a loafer is not from Him. To dare to believe that rest is an invitation to knowing, and thus and invitation to become. and the story is not finished...in any of us!
are we threatened by rest? by the idea of stopping...being still...ceasing to work? do we fear that we will be lazy? or miss something? or not "get the job done" that he has called us to do?
are those passages about being still, or honoring sabbath, or that one that says "Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest" meant for those ones who have worked hard and "earned" their rest? Or is this an invitation for ALL who are weary, regardless of what you have done or not done. regardless of your achievements or the fact that you haven't achieved anything noteworthy as of yet?
and what if rest is actually the path that leads to the true ministry?
what if healing that comes when we rest, and the knowing that comes when we are still is the true invitation extended to each one of us?
and what if the church could support us and even invite and encourage us to walk this quieter path?
the noise of the world
the busy-ness of life
always busy
always going
never time to stop
gotta check my calendar to see
when am I free
running off to something else
never seeing
never noticing
missing something...
it was hard to decide to take a year off. if anything I felt like a failure when we left Laos in 2013. the work/ministry that we had gone to do...it never really "became" what I had imagined in 2009 when we said yes. I was headed to something great. I was going to do great things for God. I was going to help others know him. and all I found at the end of 4 years was a sense of "not enough". Failure. Ouch.
and so sweetly, his words spoke loudly to my sun-scorched soul..."Come to me all who are weary"
Lord, is that you? Are you speaking this to me? Could it be that you are inviting me to rest? I want it, but can I have it? I didn't really "earn it". I never achieved what I had hoped to. But can I believe that you are inviting me into rest? Oh, it sounds so wonderful...so soul quenching. Lord, I am tired. Beyond tired. And I don't think that I will ever achieve what I came here to do. I'm a failure...
he makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul
an invitation to come and sit with him. to stop and be filled. to eat and drink. to lie down in soft green grass by a stream. wow, sounds like a 5 star resort. I want it!
but I don't deserve it
Come, ALL WHO ARE WEARY
and while I could still think of so many reasons that I could not receive this invitation, my soul had already clung to the invite. I couldn't play it off "Oh, Lord, thanks for the invite but I am not quite done with the great stuff I'm meant to do here...I'll come next year." NOPE, my soul was running and begging for water, and my pride had only to follow my soul-starved self
and he gives
He gives! it wasn't all a 5 star holiday. it wasn't all easy to just rest and have "nothing to do". honestly, it was HARD. Hard to know how to rest. I soon found that I could busy myself with other things--facebook, internet, worrying, grocery shopping, etc. the being still was new to me. how does one "cease striving" when that was my whole way of doing ministry? whole way of giving back to God, serving God, and dare I say "earning his love/respect"?!!
but so quietly, so slowly I began to be stripped of beliefs that just weren't working. this idea that being successful was based on what I had done. To think that I had something to prove to God, to others to justify my being. and I came to this question "Can I believe I am worthy even if I have nothing to offer?"
the transformation continues. the grace to be on a journey is greater than I could ever dare hope for. and learning to trust that my fear of being seen as lazy or a loafer is not from Him. To dare to believe that rest is an invitation to knowing, and thus and invitation to become. and the story is not finished...in any of us!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
in this world
In this world you will have many troubles...
life has troubles. I've spent a lot of energy trying to fix those problems which has just put me on the anxiety hamster wheel. Spinning, and spinning, sometimes thinking "oh, I figured it out!" only to find that nope, the problem is still there...just over the next hill.
and so I've allowed myself to be toyed by the emotional roller coaster of life...things get bad, things get better, new problems come along...and so on.
and for so many years I have wondered where is the joy? where is the peace? why do I struggle with anxiety and at times despair?
or...why do others have it so easy, but I've got problems? God, where are you?
"in this world you will have many troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world."
Well, God, you forgot about "my troubles". They're still here.
God is patient with us. The gentleness of a shepherd...
Over the last several years I have struggled to fix it all. When it's just me (those days when I was still single), I had less to worry about...less to "fix". Then I got married. Thankfully my husband didn't ask me to worry about his problems--he grew up in a family with a generally optimistic outlook on life. And so even when he was sick he wasn't shaken by it. It didn't threaten his whole life. But sometimes I would take up the job of worrying about his problem for him. Funny how that is.
Then we had children. Two of them. One, then another. And the problems multiplied. Babies get sick, and you feel helpless. And then child #2 had eczema. BAD eczema that hit us when we were in Laos. It was awful. I felt helpless and thus, despair. It really consumed me day and night. I was looking on the internet for answers, asking people to pray (for healing), and worrying a lot about it. It was truly emotionally draining.
Then, with diet changes we seemed to get it back under control. Whew...
But other things came along, and then it became harder to keep all those plates spinning. Until one day I just lay on our bed crying out, "I can't keep these plates spinning any longer..."
a quiet voice "you don't have to..."
But I was so consumed by the anxiety that I could only see what I could not do, and I found myself mad at Pete, mad at God, mad at everyone. Mad at life.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...
In my place of brokenness I began to see that my life paradigms were failing me. My need for everything to be in place, fixed, okay was keeping me frantic. My job of plate spinning was not working...too many plates to keep spinning. And it was tiring. But what happens when we stop spinning the plates?
A dear friend in my life at the time advised me to close my eyes and picture Jesus. Where was He when I was spinning all those plates? What was he doing? As I sat quietly I saw him holding his hands out. He quietly and gently invited me to hand the plates over. I handed them over, every last one of them. And then they were gone. No crashing plates. No plates at all. My friend asked "What happened to the plates?" I didn't know. Jesus had taken them, and they just kind of went away. And then it was still. And he embraced me. I could finally rest.
Be still and know that I am God.
There is so much fear that if I stop spinning the plates everything will come crashing down. My life will go from bad to worse...from chaos to irreparable damage. As I reflect on this image which came to me one year ago, I realize that he continues to invite me to Trust him.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
I tend to be analytical. Wanting to figure it all out with my head. Always in search of reasons and answers to my problems. What caused it? What will fix it? And my head spins and spins. Oftentimes Google search doesn't come up with any answers either, just more problems and complications to add to my mind's spinning. And what do I do in those moments? I can either lean into despair and anxiety, continuing the search for answers and fixing all my problems. Or I can lean into God, choosing to trust Him in a place where I do not understand. "Lord, I don't understand, but I will trust you." A prayer that I continue to have to proclaim even when I am honestly struggling to trust.
Trust is really hard. It requires putting my faith into something I don't see. And to "see" something that at this point has no physical reality. Perhaps there are indicators or signs in my life that I am right to trust something I don't see. But often I find that it takes GREAT COURAGE to choose trust over worry because everything in my life seems to point down the path that says "Worry, because God isn't taking care of this one...you've got to do it." And the temptation to worry always seems to be there, inviting me in for another tango. But I'm starting to see another path in the woods, one that says "Trust, hand it over to me!" And this path, while still very unclear, seems a bit more hope-filled. I don't have to worry and spend all my energy on trying to figure it all out. It shows a path marked with some troubles, but yet peace and hope to hold me up.
And the journey continues.
life has troubles. I've spent a lot of energy trying to fix those problems which has just put me on the anxiety hamster wheel. Spinning, and spinning, sometimes thinking "oh, I figured it out!" only to find that nope, the problem is still there...just over the next hill.
and so I've allowed myself to be toyed by the emotional roller coaster of life...things get bad, things get better, new problems come along...and so on.
and for so many years I have wondered where is the joy? where is the peace? why do I struggle with anxiety and at times despair?
or...why do others have it so easy, but I've got problems? God, where are you?
"in this world you will have many troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world."
Well, God, you forgot about "my troubles". They're still here.
God is patient with us. The gentleness of a shepherd...
Over the last several years I have struggled to fix it all. When it's just me (those days when I was still single), I had less to worry about...less to "fix". Then I got married. Thankfully my husband didn't ask me to worry about his problems--he grew up in a family with a generally optimistic outlook on life. And so even when he was sick he wasn't shaken by it. It didn't threaten his whole life. But sometimes I would take up the job of worrying about his problem for him. Funny how that is.
Then we had children. Two of them. One, then another. And the problems multiplied. Babies get sick, and you feel helpless. And then child #2 had eczema. BAD eczema that hit us when we were in Laos. It was awful. I felt helpless and thus, despair. It really consumed me day and night. I was looking on the internet for answers, asking people to pray (for healing), and worrying a lot about it. It was truly emotionally draining.
Then, with diet changes we seemed to get it back under control. Whew...
But other things came along, and then it became harder to keep all those plates spinning. Until one day I just lay on our bed crying out, "I can't keep these plates spinning any longer..."
a quiet voice "you don't have to..."
But I was so consumed by the anxiety that I could only see what I could not do, and I found myself mad at Pete, mad at God, mad at everyone. Mad at life.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...
In my place of brokenness I began to see that my life paradigms were failing me. My need for everything to be in place, fixed, okay was keeping me frantic. My job of plate spinning was not working...too many plates to keep spinning. And it was tiring. But what happens when we stop spinning the plates?
A dear friend in my life at the time advised me to close my eyes and picture Jesus. Where was He when I was spinning all those plates? What was he doing? As I sat quietly I saw him holding his hands out. He quietly and gently invited me to hand the plates over. I handed them over, every last one of them. And then they were gone. No crashing plates. No plates at all. My friend asked "What happened to the plates?" I didn't know. Jesus had taken them, and they just kind of went away. And then it was still. And he embraced me. I could finally rest.
Be still and know that I am God.
There is so much fear that if I stop spinning the plates everything will come crashing down. My life will go from bad to worse...from chaos to irreparable damage. As I reflect on this image which came to me one year ago, I realize that he continues to invite me to Trust him.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
I tend to be analytical. Wanting to figure it all out with my head. Always in search of reasons and answers to my problems. What caused it? What will fix it? And my head spins and spins. Oftentimes Google search doesn't come up with any answers either, just more problems and complications to add to my mind's spinning. And what do I do in those moments? I can either lean into despair and anxiety, continuing the search for answers and fixing all my problems. Or I can lean into God, choosing to trust Him in a place where I do not understand. "Lord, I don't understand, but I will trust you." A prayer that I continue to have to proclaim even when I am honestly struggling to trust.
Trust is really hard. It requires putting my faith into something I don't see. And to "see" something that at this point has no physical reality. Perhaps there are indicators or signs in my life that I am right to trust something I don't see. But often I find that it takes GREAT COURAGE to choose trust over worry because everything in my life seems to point down the path that says "Worry, because God isn't taking care of this one...you've got to do it." And the temptation to worry always seems to be there, inviting me in for another tango. But I'm starting to see another path in the woods, one that says "Trust, hand it over to me!" And this path, while still very unclear, seems a bit more hope-filled. I don't have to worry and spend all my energy on trying to figure it all out. It shows a path marked with some troubles, but yet peace and hope to hold me up.
And the journey continues.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
blessing
a dear friend gave me a bracelet that says "bless this woman" and I wear it on days that I need that reminder...that I am someone who needs a blessing, and someone who can have that blessing.
in a world starved for blessing
a world full of cursing
we long to be blessed
to be worthy
to be loved
to be called up and out
to be named and restored
we are a hungry people
bless me, bless me, bless me
and can I dare to believe that this blessing is for me?
and when we dare to believe
the blessing becomes us
we rise up
shine
and bless others
bless you, bless you, bless you
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
courage
In a world that values beauty, clear skin, and youthfulness...
it takes courage to not be ashamed when you have eczema
or when your son has eczema
For the past three years I have struggled with how to live when things just aren't as I want them to be
And many days I have failed to live...
I have allowed myself to be caught in the hamster wheel of trying to fix it all
To make it go away
To heal the skin
To figure out what's wrong
To pray for healing
To ask God why he isn't healing
And to feel fear when I don't understand...
But in the past year God has been showing me another way
To dare to hope even when I don't get it
When I don't understand
When my eyes fail to see
Isn't that what hope is defined as?
it's not hope if we see it
It's not faith if it's already been accomplished
It doesn't require trust if it's already right there in front of me
And so I am left to choose despair or hope
To be anxious or rest
To clutch my fists around trying
Or release and let go
And while my flesh continues to struggle with all that I wish was different
Slowly I am learning how to let go and do the trust fall
Into arms that will catch me
Into a presence that will never fail me
Into the comfort of Someone greater
Because I am not enough
I can not fix it all
I don't know the answers
I don't know the path to healing
But He does
And He holds me
it takes courage to not be ashamed when you have eczema
or when your son has eczema
For the past three years I have struggled with how to live when things just aren't as I want them to be
And many days I have failed to live...
I have allowed myself to be caught in the hamster wheel of trying to fix it all
To make it go away
To heal the skin
To figure out what's wrong
To pray for healing
To ask God why he isn't healing
And to feel fear when I don't understand...
But in the past year God has been showing me another way
To dare to hope even when I don't get it
When I don't understand
When my eyes fail to see
Isn't that what hope is defined as?
it's not hope if we see it
It's not faith if it's already been accomplished
It doesn't require trust if it's already right there in front of me
And so I am left to choose despair or hope
To be anxious or rest
To clutch my fists around trying
Or release and let go
And while my flesh continues to struggle with all that I wish was different
Slowly I am learning how to let go and do the trust fall
Into arms that will catch me
Into a presence that will never fail me
Into the comfort of Someone greater
Because I am not enough
I can not fix it all
I don't know the answers
I don't know the path to healing
But He does
And He holds me
lead me
my prayer:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
from Oceans by Hillsongs United
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
from Oceans by Hillsongs United
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
a lot of change
A lot has changed in the past 7 weeks. Our lives have gone from primarily based in Southeast Asia to a residence in Florida. A change that we chose and pursued, and yet living into it is all but easy. Starting over. Making new friends (haven't made any yet!). A new school. English and Spanish not Lao or Thai. A flat horizon instead of mountains. It's a lot to take in, adjust to, and accept. Some days I feel thankful and hopeful. Other days I feel a deep pain of homesickness for Asia. Perhaps we will never feel completely at home again now that we have lived on two sides of the globe. Our hearts and lives have strewn themselves in multiple places, and while we have been immensely blessed and enriched, it sometimes feels like a curse.
And we wait out this in between time when our roots haven't yet taken to the new soil. We haven't met our new friends. Our home still feels unfamiliar. We feel like foreigners even though we look and sound local (sort of).
Perhaps the roots will sink in without us consciously noticing. And one day in a few months (or year) we will begin to notice that we truly feel at home here in Florida. I doubt we will ever stop missing or thinking about our other home in Asia, but perhaps we will feel equally at home here. And there will be friends to share life with and gather around our table once again.
And we wait out this in between time when our roots haven't yet taken to the new soil. We haven't met our new friends. Our home still feels unfamiliar. We feel like foreigners even though we look and sound local (sort of).
Perhaps the roots will sink in without us consciously noticing. And one day in a few months (or year) we will begin to notice that we truly feel at home here in Florida. I doubt we will ever stop missing or thinking about our other home in Asia, but perhaps we will feel equally at home here. And there will be friends to share life with and gather around our table once again.
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