in this world

In this world you will have many troubles...

life has troubles.  I've spent a lot of energy trying to fix those problems which has just put me on the anxiety hamster wheel.  Spinning, and spinning, sometimes thinking "oh, I figured it out!" only to find that nope, the problem is still there...just over the next hill.
and so I've allowed myself to be toyed by the emotional roller coaster of life...things get bad, things get better, new problems come along...and so on.
and for so many years I have wondered where is the joy? where is the peace?  why do I struggle with anxiety and at times despair?
or...why do others have it so easy, but I've got problems?  God, where are you?

"in this world you will have many troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world."
Well, God, you forgot about "my troubles".  They're still here.

God is patient with us.  The gentleness of a shepherd...

Over the last several years I have struggled to fix it all.  When it's just me (those days when I was still single), I had less to worry about...less to "fix".  Then I got married.  Thankfully my husband didn't ask me to worry about his problems--he grew up in a family with a generally optimistic outlook on life.  And so even when he was sick he wasn't shaken by it.  It didn't threaten his whole life.  But sometimes I would take up the job of worrying about his problem for him.  Funny how that is.
Then we had children.  Two of them.  One, then another.  And the problems multiplied.  Babies get sick, and you feel helpless.  And then child #2 had eczema.  BAD eczema that hit us when we were in Laos.  It was awful.  I felt helpless and thus, despair.  It really consumed me day and night.  I was looking on the internet for answers, asking people to pray (for healing), and worrying a lot about it.  It was truly emotionally draining.
Then, with diet changes we seemed to get it back under control.  Whew...
But other things came along, and then it became harder to keep all those plates spinning.  Until one day I just lay on our bed crying out, "I can't keep these plates spinning any longer..."
a quiet voice "you don't have to..."
But I was so consumed by the anxiety that I could only see what I could not do, and I found myself mad at Pete, mad at God, mad at everyone.  Mad at life.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...

In my place of brokenness I began to see that my life paradigms were failing me.  My need for everything to be in place, fixed, okay was keeping me frantic.  My job of plate spinning was not working...too many plates to keep spinning.  And it was tiring.  But what happens when we stop spinning the plates?

A dear friend in my life at the time advised me to close my eyes and picture Jesus.  Where was He when I was spinning all those plates?  What was he doing?  As I sat quietly I saw him holding his hands out. He quietly and gently invited me to hand the plates over.  I handed them over, every last one of them.  And then they were gone.  No crashing plates.  No plates at all.  My friend asked "What happened to the plates?"  I didn't know.  Jesus had taken them, and they just kind of went away.  And then it was still. And he embraced me.  I could finally rest.

Be still and know that I am God.

There is so much fear that if I stop spinning the plates everything will come crashing down.  My life will go from bad to worse...from chaos to irreparable damage.  As I reflect on this image which came to me one year ago, I realize that he continues to invite me to Trust him.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.

I tend to be analytical.  Wanting to figure it all out with my head.  Always in search of reasons and answers to my problems.  What caused it?  What will fix it?  And my head spins and spins.  Oftentimes Google search doesn't come up with any answers either, just more problems and complications to add to my mind's spinning.  And what do I do in those moments?  I can either lean into despair and anxiety, continuing the search for answers and fixing all my problems.  Or I can lean into God, choosing to trust Him in a place where I do not understand.  "Lord, I don't understand, but I will trust you."  A prayer that I continue to have to proclaim even when I am honestly struggling to trust.

Trust is really hard.  It requires putting my faith into something I don't see.  And to "see" something that at this point has no physical reality.  Perhaps there are indicators or signs in my life that I am right to trust something I don't see.  But often I find that it takes GREAT COURAGE to choose trust over worry because everything in my life seems to point down the path that says "Worry, because God isn't taking care of this one...you've got to do it."  And the temptation to worry always seems to be there, inviting me in for another tango.  But I'm starting to see another path in the woods, one that says "Trust, hand it over to me!"  And this path, while still very unclear, seems a bit more hope-filled.  I don't have to worry and spend all my energy on trying to figure it all out.  It shows a path marked with some troubles, but yet peace and hope to hold me up.

And the journey continues.