rest

rest

letting go
and letting be
I open my hands
stretch my arms out
feel your embrace
I am loved

rest

an invitation
to come as I am
no need to impress
nothing to prove
nothing to convince
just myself

rest

my lungs fill with air
my heart slows down
I enter nature's rhythm
here in this moment
I dance with God

rest

mustard seed faith

i have had some really hard days
surrounded by some ok days
and it's hard to talk about them
because i don't want to be defined by them
but those really hard days
do define me
as i find myself walking through the
valley of the shadow of death
i feel afraid
but he says i will
not.be.afraid
for he
is
with
me

some people have told me that my anxiety
means that i lack faith
not directly
but in their responses of what i should do
pray more
praise God more
read the psalms
think positive
stop.worrying
worry is sin
stop

i get it
i understand
and i have worried more as a result

LORD, HELP ME
in my unbelief

i lack faith
my faith is small
it's not enough
"she who has faith the size of a mustard seed..."
a mustard seed?
recently i held a mustard seed in my hand
it
was
small
so small that it fell out of my hand
and i could not find it again
mustard seed faith
so all i need is faith the size of a
mustard seed?
the size of the dot at the end of this line   .
mustard
seed
faith

so do i have anxiety
because my faith
is less than a mustard seed?

on my good days
i feel like life is ok
i can do this thing called life
it's not so hard
"thank you God!"
and i live my life
but on my bad days
i wake up with the heaviness
and i spend each moment of my day
in a battle
between fear
despair
and prayer
"help!"
i lean in desperately
i talk to God
all.day.long.

God
take this cup
from me
But, not my will
but yours
be
done

when Jesus said these words
did he not tremble?
was he not afraid?
did he not feel
anxious

but he knew
he
could
trust
the one who was leading him
through the valley of the shadow of death
of death itself

and so i know
anxiety and depression
are not the end of my story
they are marks along the way
scars on my soul
my mind
my heart
but they continue to remind me
that I am not meant to do life alone
but to lean into the one
who knows
that perfect love
casts out fear
perfect love
has the last say
perfect love
is
greater
than
my
fear

i continue to run to his arms
and receive comfort
i continue to say "yes Lord
i
need
you

i cannot do this without you
i am not
self
sufficient
i
am
weak
weary
afraid

but
you are
love
light
here

i
run
to.you.

and every time
you
soothe me
the way a mother
comforts
her distressed child
my
soul
finds
rest
in,God.alone

love
is greater
than my fear

mustard seed faith .

that's all i need
you
are
all
i
need

soul beauty (it's not for sale)

beauty.
who defines it?
who has it?

mirror mirror on the wall-
who is fairest of them all?

is beauty skin deep? or is it soul deep?

our culture cannot market soul beauty.  so it focuses on skin beauty.  hair beauty.  fashion beauty. house beauty. children beauty. anything that will cost us money.
new clothes, new car, makeup, hair products, plastic surgery, supplements, exercise, fashionable clothes to exercise in...
there's no end
and there will always be someone fairer than you to keep you enslaved to the pursuit of beauty
until you decide that beauty is
something deeper
something more precious
something money cannot buy
soul beauty

soul beauty cannot be captured by a camera
it cannot be seen by the naked eye
it cannot be capitalized on
it cannot be bought
it cannot be sold

it does not cost money
it costs your entire life
you must let go of the pursuit of outer beauty
let go of seeking to be what others value
release cultural notions of beauty
and allow yourself to step aside
to listen to the one who created you
hear the voice of love speaking into your soul
telling you, whispering to you

"child, woman, man...
you are the fairest of them all
I love you
you are mine
beloved
there is treasure in your jar of clay
listen to my voice
know your true value
let me put my hands on you
shape you
heal your wounds
touch your soul
let me 
love you
hold you
have you...
keep your money in the bank
just give me your soul
and you will know beauty that is eternal
that never fades
will shine like the stars in the heavens
beloved, you are mine
which beauty will you choose?"

the storm

do you find yourself watching the news and feeling fear rise higher than the sea level of your soul? do you find yourself holding your breath wondering what's next?

does it ever catch up with you and pin you down?

what do you do?  turn off the news? only to look around and see that there is plenty to fear right here around you?

how do we not just give into the fear? how do we not just manage the fear by numbing it...turning on the latest sitcom, scroll Facebook, eat more...

is our only hope that we can just ignore the cries of the suffering in our world?  how do we know where to begin when suffering is everywhere.  and the news is like a zoom in lens...searching for the suffering to blare into your living room and heart

and soon our hearts either burst or become numb.  what can I do?  it's too much.  too much for me to know what to do

I find myself angry...pointing fingers at the president.  pointing fingers at "them", maybe even shaking my fists at God.  if only "they" would stop our world would be better.  we want to blame someone, anyone, for the suffering.

but are we left with nothing to do except make a sign and protest?  is that all there is?  we are told that we need to get off our lazy rears and get out there.  shake our fists at the oppressors.  change the world.

fear.  fear.  fear.
it's everywhere.
fear.  fear.  fear.
here, there, everywhere
even our answers are marked by fear

caught in the whirlwind of fear I react.  I cannot see straight.  I see the problem.  I see the haters, the oppressors, and I want them to be gone.  I want justice.  and all I can see is the urgency of fixing the problem.  act now.

but in the middle of the hurricane is the eye of the storm.  literally the place where it is calm.  the storm rages all around, but in the center there is peace.
stillness.

when we are caught in the storm we become a part of the storm.  even our best intentions, they can be full of confusion.  when we react to the storm, we create our own storms.  when fear becomes anger and rage and hatred...we are allowing our hearts to become a new storm

a storm does not end another one

there is another way.  step outside of the storm, or find yourself in the middle.  when we know our center, and our hearts remember what is true...we have something to offer.  when we have a hold on true north, the way forward, we have something true to offer.  we will not create a new storm.  we will offer a way forward, a way that is marked by peace, by love

but it looks slow.  it may feel slow.  it may not even be noticeable.  everyone stirred up by the pain, the suffering, the rage, the brokenness...

but he speaks "peace, be still" to the storm.  and we must step aside and hear this voice so that we can be this voice in our world

taste the peace, know the peace, and you will be the peace, you will have the peace to offer

but when you become the storm, you will create another storm...

Jesus, divine love,
we find ourselves in the middle of a storm.
all we see
all we feel
is the rage of the storm
and one storm seems followed by another
sometimes there is hardly a breath or pause between
what can we do?
how can we keep going?
is it ok to step aside and rest?
to hear that you are with us?
will this be enough?
will I have anything to offer others...
We cry out, Lord, help us!
It's too much
help us to not run away
help us to not give up
help us to not be reactive
Show us how to be your light
your peace
your love
Our world is starving
broken
hurting
suffering
But you are light
love
hope
peace
Show us the way

at water's edge

It seems like I'm in a season of invitation to surrender, let go, and trust.  To let life flow, and not resist the flow.  The opposite of flowing is resisting and not being ok with what life brings.  When I resist I fight the waves that come, I brace myself against the unknown, tensing my body, my mind and my soul against what I perceive as danger.

We live near the ocean.  My boys love to go to the beach, and there are weeks when we make it there five days out of seven.  Growing up in Oklahoma, my comfort level in the ocean is nowhere near these two boys who run out into the waves with arms outstretched.  I watch from my safe beach spot as they run head on into the crashing waves.  The days when the ocean is calm, I dare to venture in with them.  But on these evenings when the ocean waves are high (as high as their heads) I watch in wonder.  These boys get pummeled by the waves.  Sometimes the waves knock them down, sometimes they crash over their heads and yet they remain standing.  Sometimes the boys get their boogie boards and ride the waves in.  The ocean is never dull, that is for sure.  I am always amazed to sit and watch the power and beauty of water.

When we lived in Laos we observed the Mekong River.  On one side was Laos, and on the other side was Thailand.  Unlike the ocean, we really couldn't get into the river.  It was dark brown, murky waters coming from China.  While a lot of the brown was probably from the red soil beneath, I doubt that is all that the river was bringing our way.  When the monsoons came we watched the river swell to fill the large gap between Laos and Thailand's banks and the waters passed quickly by.  The Lao were afraid of the river--with good reason.  But they respected it.  We learned to respect the river as well.  I love the sight of water, but I rarely stepped into the river.  We saw many beautiful sunsets over the vast horizon of the river.  It was a place of beauty and a reminder that we weren't just living in a big endless sprawl of a city.  The city had an end at the river's edge.

And then there are creeks.  I love creeks.  I grew up in Oklahoma where creeks were a childhood delight.  We would make our way to Colorado in the summer and the cold mountain water would become a child's invitation to play.  Taking my shoes and socks off I would dip my feet into the cold water.  But the nice thing about a creek is it is usually shallow on the edges.  And you can see the bottom.  Of course, if you venture in you better be careful or you might slip on a rock!

Water is a symbol used in many cultures and religions.  It symbolizes cleansing, renewing, baptism, life.  Babies are held in water until they enter our dry world.  Water flows through our veins.  And water is what we need to sustain our lives.  As I write this I am aware of being thirsty (where is my cup of water?!)   Water invites us to step in.  As I sit on the water's edge there is something in me that wants to step in, to feel the water, to let it cool me, refresh me, take me out beyond the dullness of my controlled life.  But often our response is hesitation and resistance.  We find excuses.  I don't want to get wet! I just washed my hair, I don't want it to get salty! I have clothes on, I forgot to wear my swimsuit.  I am afraid because the waves look scary.  Sitting here is safe (and yes, a bit boring).  But what has happened?  The children are still running in, excited to feel the waves crash into them.  I am always in awe when a big wave pushes my youngest son down.  Usually he gets back up with a smile on his face--"give me more!"--he seems to be saying!  Boring? Not at all.

But fear--it doesn't want to get up out of the place of safety.  Fear is like the dam that keeps the raging river controlled.  It resists the natural flow of water, holding it back.  But the pressure of the dam is high.  The waters press into the dam with force that requires the dam to be stronger.
But sometimes I am weary of the dam.  I need the flow of the water.  The healing flow of saying yes to what is natural.  To trust that I can let go and step in and I will be ok.  I don't have to brace myself against the flow.  Let the river flow.  Let the waves come and crash into me.  I may fall down, but I can get back up.  Is that the sound of laughter and life that I hear?  Is that the sound of letting go and saying yes?

love song

in the stillness you are there

Five years ago I sat having coffee with an older wiser friend.  I had been sharing my struggle with anxiety and expressing my longing to be free (hoping that maybe she had an answer for me).  I don't remember much of our conversation that day, but one sentence she said stood out.  I can still remember the words now, and I have reflected on them and what they meant many times since then
"Lori, your heart is noisy."
My heart is noisy?  What does that mean?  I really pondered this and wanted her to explain.  She didn't have much explanation.  And her words came from a deeper listening, a listening to God and what he was wanting to speak to me (but that I couldn't hear...because my heart was too noisy)

Be still and know that I am God

Our world is full of noise.  Everywhere we go our ears pick up conversations, children crying, parents yelling at their children, cars driving by, an ambulance, phones dinging, and then there is the subtler but VERY LOUD noise in our lives...social media, Facebook, news.  The messages that we are hearing everyday, from the time we wake up until we go to bed at night.  The thoughts that go through our heads.  Noise inside.  Noise outside.  Noise within us.  And sometimes sleep doesn't come to relieve us because the noise in our heads is so loud and we don't know how to turn it off.

We cannot escape noise.  It will always be around us.  So what does it mean to have a noisy heart?   A noisy heart is our response to the noisy world.  It tells us to be afraid, do more, be more, "you are not enough"...
a noisy heart is a heart full of fear

It took many more years for me to begin to really let go.  I don't think anyone lets go easily.  Until our hands and hearts and lives become so full and we are weary and desperate, letting go is not our go to. Instead we think "maybe I will try this, or buy this, or do this...and things will get better" only to discover we are even more tired.  It might work at first, but then we discover now we have something new to deal with.
more is not better
more is not the answer
What is?

be. still.

In 2015 I had a nervous breakdown, or whatever you want to call it.  Whatever it was...it was scary.  I had been trying to fix my son's health.  I had been working hard to figure out what was at the root of his health issues.  I was in major control mode.  Fear mode.  Noisy heart? YES!  And finally the weight of it all came crashing down on me "I can't do this anymore!!!!"  I heard myself say.  I was mad at God for not healing my son.  I was frustrated that I couldn't figure out how to heal my son.  And it was TOO heavy for me to carry.  And so I fell flat on my face, truly flattened by the weight of it all.

be. still.

When you are anxious and full of fear it is nearly impossible to be still.  I know because when anxiety was filling every extremity of my body I could barely sit still long enough to finish a meal with my family.  I would eat fast and then have to stand up and busy myself with dishes, or pacing or doing something.  I could not sit peacefully.  My whole being was revved up.  And yet I was very tired.

be. still.

So so noisy.  So so tired.  I was truly desperate.  I longed for healing, for freedom, for peace.  I had no  more resources of my own to draw from.  I called out to God in desperation.  "Help!"  It was not an instant relief.  But in the stillness, God was there.  He began to show me just how near and present he was.  And just how loved I was.

in the stillness I am there

God met me.  Slowly.  Patiently.  Lovingly.  And that was the beginning of my journey towards a quieter heart.  A heart that was desperately wanting to rest.  A heart that was so weary it felt it might break.  A heart that had holes in it, leaked out its life...  But this was only the beginning.  God is not pushy.  He will not force us to learn something we are not ready for.  He does not yell at us like an angry parent.  He just waits.  Waits for the noise to crash down, our own attempts to come to a empty halt, and then we notice...in the valley of the shadow of death...He is there.  Quietly, confidently, unfailingly...He is there.  And as we quiet down, like a child that is finally allowing his mom to comfort him...we hear something new.  It is not like the noises in our world.  It is sweet.  It is gentle.  It is kind.  It is his love song.  He is singing over you.  Singing over me...a love song.

The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save you.
He takes great delight in you. 
He quiets you with his love.  
He rejoices over you with singing.
(from Zephaniah 3:17)


be. still.
let me sing over you
your heart will be healed
fear will no longer linger
your heart will be free
rest in my arms
as I sing this song over you
my delight is in you
be. still. and. know.
beloved child of mine
rest

ode to 41

happy birthday to me.
what's so special about 41?  it's not 40, it's definitely not 21.  no...it's 21 PLUS 20 more!!

but i still get excited when it's my birthday, and i'm not letting 41 stop me from my childhood anticipation of a birthday.

so happy birthday to me, even 41! I will not pretend to be younger.  I will celebrate another year.  getting older is seen as scary.  but me, I want to embrace it.

I found my first grey hair at 20.  I pulled it out.  No! I don't want to be old.  But there it was, beckoning me, taunting me, reminding me that getting older is....ummm, natural.
so why fight what is natural?
celebrate it
celebrate me
celebrate life

here I am at 41 feeling young inside.  so much goodness has happened in my life these past few years
I have found myself.  I have shed off some of my false layers.  Like a facial to the soul.  I feel freer. Lighter. Happier.  YES! happier.  how can that be?  I'm 41 you say.  Nope, 41 is a good number.  It's my number today.

So go ahead and wonder, is she going crazy? maybe age is getting to her early.  maybe she had a little too much to drink.  You can wonder.  But I know.  I am 41, and it's ok.  I'm 41 and it's not a day too old.  Today I am soberly happy.  And I don't mind telling you, or anyone, that it's truly good to be aging.

And grey hairs?  YUP, I got WAY TOO many to pluck on this birthday.  They are sparkling in the sunlight.  Not even hidden by color.  Just there to remind me, I'm not going backwards in my age.
Nope...just forwards.

So, happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to the one I know best.  Me.
And I am happy to be alive.  Happy to be me.  Thank you for bringing me this far.
Happy birthday Lori!