Five years ago I sat having coffee with an older wiser friend. I had been sharing my struggle with anxiety and expressing my longing to be free (hoping that maybe she had an answer for me). I don't remember much of our conversation that day, but one sentence she said stood out. I can still remember the words now, and I have reflected on them and what they meant many times since then
"Lori, your heart is noisy."
My heart is noisy? What does that mean? I really pondered this and wanted her to explain. She didn't have much explanation. And her words came from a deeper listening, a listening to God and what he was wanting to speak to me (but that I couldn't hear...because my heart was too noisy)
Be still and know that I am God
Our world is full of noise. Everywhere we go our ears pick up conversations, children crying, parents yelling at their children, cars driving by, an ambulance, phones dinging, and then there is the subtler but VERY LOUD noise in our lives...social media, Facebook, news. The messages that we are hearing everyday, from the time we wake up until we go to bed at night. The thoughts that go through our heads. Noise inside. Noise outside. Noise within us. And sometimes sleep doesn't come to relieve us because the noise in our heads is so loud and we don't know how to turn it off.
We cannot escape noise. It will always be around us. So what does it mean to have a noisy heart? A noisy heart is our response to the noisy world. It tells us to be afraid, do more, be more, "you are not enough"...
a noisy heart is a heart full of fear
It took many more years for me to begin to really let go. I don't think anyone lets go easily. Until our hands and hearts and lives become so full and we are weary and desperate, letting go is not our go to. Instead we think "maybe I will try this, or buy this, or do this...and things will get better" only to discover we are even more tired. It might work at first, but then we discover now we have something new to deal with.
more is not better
more is not the answer
What is?
be. still.
In 2015 I had a nervous breakdown, or whatever you want to call it. Whatever it was...it was scary. I had been trying to fix my son's health. I had been working hard to figure out what was at the root of his health issues. I was in major control mode. Fear mode. Noisy heart? YES! And finally the weight of it all came crashing down on me "I can't do this anymore!!!!" I heard myself say. I was mad at God for not healing my son. I was frustrated that I couldn't figure out how to heal my son. And it was TOO heavy for me to carry. And so I fell flat on my face, truly flattened by the weight of it all.
be. still.
When you are anxious and full of fear it is nearly impossible to be still. I know because when anxiety was filling every extremity of my body I could barely sit still long enough to finish a meal with my family. I would eat fast and then have to stand up and busy myself with dishes, or pacing or doing something. I could not sit peacefully. My whole being was revved up. And yet I was very tired.
be. still.
So so noisy. So so tired. I was truly desperate. I longed for healing, for freedom, for peace. I had no more resources of my own to draw from. I called out to God in desperation. "Help!" It was not an instant relief. But in the stillness, God was there. He began to show me just how near and present he was. And just how loved I was.
in the stillness I am there
God met me. Slowly. Patiently. Lovingly. And that was the beginning of my journey towards a quieter heart. A heart that was desperately wanting to rest. A heart that was so weary it felt it might break. A heart that had holes in it, leaked out its life... But this was only the beginning. God is not pushy. He will not force us to learn something we are not ready for. He does not yell at us like an angry parent. He just waits. Waits for the noise to crash down, our own attempts to come to a empty halt, and then we notice...in the valley of the shadow of death...He is there. Quietly, confidently, unfailingly...He is there. And as we quiet down, like a child that is finally allowing his mom to comfort him...we hear something new. It is not like the noises in our world. It is sweet. It is gentle. It is kind. It is his love song. He is singing over you. Singing over me...a love song.
The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save you.
He takes great delight in you.
He quiets you with his love.
He rejoices over you with singing.
(from Zephaniah 3:17)
be. still.
let me sing over you
your heart will be healed
fear will no longer linger
your heart will be free
rest in my arms
as I sing this song over you
my delight is in you
be. still. and. know.
beloved child of mine
rest
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