counting the costs

Since our move back to Thailand, life has changed once again for us.  Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised by how hard transition is, but despite all of our moves we still feel the shock of a move in immeasurable ways.
Today I find myself counting the costs of this move.  Was it worth it to move ourselves across the ocean AGAIN? What have we gained in this move? It's much easier to notice what has been lost.  My boys still grieve their beach life (did we forever ruin them by living near the beach?!!).  It's not uncommon to hear one of them remind us on a weekly basis that they would move back to Florida in a heartbeat if given a chance...

Were we crazy to move here?

This morning my boys went back to school after an unexpected five day weekend.  Wednesday through Friday school was closed because the AQI (air quality index) was pushing into extremely hazardous numbers...and being outside was deemed unsafe.  So we stayed inside our house, not because of snow or a hurricane...but because of a brown haze threatening to choke us if we ventured outside.  I'm not sure if the hazard to our health was worse than the emotional toil it weighed on many of us enduring this fog.  I found myself feeling a layer of sediment wanting to gather in my soul...something a face mask was not enough to guard against.
But today the AQI has lowered enough that children can "safely" return to school...while I am left with the voices in my head that ask "was it worth it to leave our salty beachside air?"

Were we crazy to move here?

The tension between our two lives is real, and sometimes we feel it in ways that can bring tears to the eyes.  We look at pictures from less than a year ago, my boys looked like beach boys.  Since moving to Thailand we have grown pasty white, and our hair has lost the sun-kissed look.  Perhaps our skin will thank us for getting out of the sun...
But our hearts miss the sounds of the crashing waves.
There's no comparing less than one year in Thailand to four years in Florida.  But compare we do...

Were we crazy to move here?

Today I am aware of other costs as well.  While it's cheaper to live in Thailand (considerably so) there are costs that can't be measured by monetary means.

A cost of time
A cost of friendships
A cost of a sense of stability
A cost of a sense of belonging

I can't even begin to say whether these costs equal what we have come here for...it's still too early, too soon to say.
But how do I let myself take a deep breath and embrace what is? How do I not give into a sense of looming haze that wants to creep into my mind and soul? What enables me to stay here, to choose this place as home for this time?
It's not something I can put my finger on. On a good day, I am able to catch a glimpse...a moment of yes, this is right!  But on a less than ideal day, or in a moment when my son sheds tears once again, I catch myself longing for what we left behind. I hear its lure, and wonder "were we crazy to move here?"
I can't answer my own question fairly, because sometimes dreams make us do crazy things.  We leave behind the known for the unknown. We say good-bye to dear friends to begin all over again. And because the costs are immeasurable, so are the benefits.  Is it only the rare few who can measure the rewards that come when they have run after a dream?
Will the haze clear helping us to see that yes, the costs were worth what we have come to Thailand for?
Meanwhile, my sight is limited by the haze...I can only see so far.
Today is where I can sit and wait.
I will wait here in today, setting aside once again those thoughts that make me crazy...
because today is what is real.
Today is what I have.