ode to quarantine

when the world stopped

all came to a halt

I could hear the sound of breathing

sighs, gasps...

some held their breath

until they no longer could

the news headlines began to blur together

numbers climbing day by day

fear rising as the numbers increased

but while the world closed its doors

and became solitary and quiet

the earth did not obey

slowly at first

small green tendrils

reaching up through the soil

stretching their arms

after a long winter's quarantine

time to emerge and create life

barely noticeable

as humans sat inside

but looking through the windows

the trees began to show off

flowers opening up

smiling as if to say

"it's ok"

you too will find spring comes

after your long winter time

don't worry!

spring always comes

even after the harshest of winters

Immanuel, God with us, where are you now?

Waiting is really hard, and yet so much of life is about waiting. Waiting in traffic, waiting in lines, waiting for the new movie to come out in the theatre, waiting for a friendship, waiting for summer, waiting for Christmas.
Waiting gets old, doesn't it? It's so easy to grow impatient and let emotions spill over.  When we feel like we've been waiting too long, we begin to protest in our own ways. Adults are not immune to acting like 3 year olds when the waiting has made us weary.
Advent is a gift to us...it gives room for the weary at heart. It says "yes, waiting is hard, but there is something worth waiting for..." And we are given space to grieve, lament, and take heart once again...that while sometimes there is complete silence, other times we see that God really does still act in our world. After 400 years of silence, the Israelites must have been weary of waiting for the Messiah.
They had anticipated that God was sending a Messiah (a savior), but they endured SILENCE for 400 years!!!
Where are you God?
Where are you now?
Why are you silent?
Why have you abandoned us?
Did they wait well?
Ha! Do we wait well?
We all have our moments when we are composed and able to wait. We know that it will take several hours to sit at immigration in Thailand when it's time to renew our visas...so we bring our homework, our work, our phones...and we distract ourselves. We sigh, we wait, and eventually our number is called and we are finished. The waiting does end.
But what about waiting that has no end in sight? We have NO IDEA how long we will wait. It's like waiting at that immigration office day after day after day and each day being told, not yet...go home. Come again tomorrow. That is enough to drive any of us mad. Even the most patient person.
Perhaps that is the point. None of us are patient in and of ourselves. Even the act of waiting requires us to depend on God. And it brings us to the end of ourselves, the end of our own human resources. It reminds us that we need the Very One we are waiting for. We need help to wait...
Advent gives space to the voice of longing. Can any of us say that there is NOTHING we are waiting for? Perhaps we are not aware of what we are longing for because it has been too painful to wait.
Waiting for a job
Waiting for a baby
Waiting for healing
Waiting for the grief to lighten
Waiting for someone to return to us
Waiting to be loved
Waiting.
It's not easy to wait. And it's no wonder that the Israelites gave up and distracted themselves with their own ideas of how to fix their problems. But, even in their forgetfulness and distraction, God still came. It wasn't because they waited well that finally God breathed Life into the midst of our human condition. No, perhaps the miracle is all the more because they had stopped waiting, stopped looking...
and then God moved
I don't begin to understand what all this means
But I welcome the space to pause in Advent, because I need it.  For those of us who don't find it easy to pretend all is well, advent is a welcome gift. It gives voice to longing. It allows us to know we are not forgotten in the long waiting. God has not forgotten me. God has not forgotten you. Though we look around at the condition of our world, groaning for its relief and redemption, we are reminded at Advent that God enters in.
One of my favorite Advent songs this year has been Immanuel by the Liturgists...here are the lyrics

Immanuel by Liturgists

Carry me to the place unknown

Where the river runs so deep

Where the water cold washes over me

And I all but drown in Your mercy.

Carry me from this hell called home

Where the walls like shepherds sleep

Congregations fall from the Gospel's heart

To the desert of prosperity.

Immanuel 

God with us

Where are you now?

Immanuel

God with us

Be here somehow.

Lift me up to the place unknown

In the shadow of Your wings

Where I'm safe from harm

Hidden in Your arms

Never far from the sound of your breathing.

Oh lift me up from this hell called home

Where the blood of children speaks

Of the wars we've made

Of the lives we trade

For this desert of prosperity

For this desert of prosperity

Immanuel

God with us

Where are you now?

Immanuel

Our God with us

Be here somehow.

Immanuel

God with us,

Where are you now?

Immanuel

God with us,

Where are you now?

Immanuel

God with us

Be here somehow

God with us,

Be here somehow.

dancing with mystery

"My heart is restless until it finds rest in Thee."

St. Augustine

Making space for the sacred mystery in my midst

I sit silently

I begin to dance

I see the beauty around me

as I step into the moment

and embrace what is here now

I let go of what I am clinging to

and wonder at what is holding onto me

Even in the darkness 

and in the silence

I begin to sense

a Holy Presence

breathing with me

whispering to me

Inviting me in

and I hold my arms

open to invite this embrace

to hold me

the Mystery dances with me

and I am in awe

as I capture a twinkle of light

flashing into my heart

behold the Sacred

here with me

set fear aside

I've had writer's block for too long.
Or, more accurately,
the words have been trapped inside me
and I haven't taken the next step
to sit
 down
to write those words...
and they
 get
                                               lost.
When I finally sit down
they're gone
like autumn leaves
fallen to the ground
and then I give up
but deep calls to deep
and there are words and longings
stirring deep within
to not give voice to what wants to be said
becomes a heavy weight that I carry

those words that want to be spoken
--that need to be spilled
don't see the light of day
because I am afraid
afraid of what you might think when
you read those words
what you might read into those words

but to let fear have the final word
allows
too
 much

space

for what isn't true
to grow in place
where truth
could have been spoken
can I risk to let those longings be expressed?
can I let those inner thoughts
be put into words?
once they are put out there
they cannot be taken back
even the eraser
leaves a mark
perhaps it's ok
to set fear aside
and risk
it might let
love
rise
up

this is sacred ground

When the valley is deep 

The terrain is rough

And life as it is 

Is weighing you down 

Rest a moment

Weep a moment

Yell a moment

Despair a moment

Laugh a moment

Get up again and walk on some more

For the divine is here

This is sacred ground

And you are not alone...

A reflection by Rebecca Baxter

picture taken by me, near our home

seeing beauty in the mundane

We've been back in the states for just over a month now. The time has been sweet, but I think the bitter will come when we have to say good-bye to our Florida friends once again...for another year. And so we are trying to savor and be as fully present to the goodness of people and places in Vero Beach while we have this time...but it's also quickly slipping by. Watching the grains of sand pass through the hour glass as we sink our toes into the sand on the beach. Hearing the waves crash and knowing in just a few weeks we will be looking at mountains instead. Stooping down to gather shells for a wind chime to hang on one of our salas in Chiang Mai, and aware that the clank of shells will remind us of what we have left behind.
It's a strange feeling to live in two worlds, and to love two places. And it's hard to know how to do that well. They're literally half the globe away from each other. Why did we decide to love Southeast Asia and not fall in love with somewhere closer--like Costa Rica? Why did we literally choose just about the farthest country from the USA to move our life to? Some things are inexplainable, and they just are our reality. Sometimes God and life have other ideas for us that we might not have rationally chosen for ourselves.

 and it's good.
    and it's hard.
      and it's beautiful.
         and it's messy.

We lived here for four years. And this visit has reminded me of all the wonderful things about life here that I miss.  I have truly enjoyed being here. I have reflected on how when time is limited, we really make the most of our time. But when we think we will be somewhere forever, we fail to really enjoy it--we take things and people for granted.  That is how I feel about life here.  I lived here four years and yet I failed to appreciate what I had. There are so many days that passed without me really living fully present and aware of the goodness all around me. Days that I didn't reach out to friends and even felt lonely. But now I feel there are barely enough days to see and be with everyone I love here.
It challenges me to consider how I am living in Chiang Mai. We won't be there forever. Perhaps we will be there two years or four years or maybe ten!!??!!. Who knows? But my brief time here in Florida has made me wonder how I can live more fully present to each day that I do have--to really enter into life and not take it for granted. I want to fully appreciate what Chiang Mai has, and not sit in my home feeling lonely or homesick for what I don't have. While there is no beach to walk and no shells to gather, what beauty will I find in Chiang Mai? I want to reenter this coming year with more intention to see the beauty...of Chiang Mai, and the people who have entered into our lives there.
While living in two places is hard, and my heart never quite feels fully whole in one place...there is a gift in this tension. It reminds me
to slow down and be present, to bend down and pick up shells that will become a wind chime on the other side of the globe. To express my deep appreciation in words and gestures to the people in my life here whom will never see my life over there. To let my heart open and love, knowing it will hurt when we say good-byes.
Beauty is a journey of learning to see more deeply, live more fully. And we see it because we have learned to notice it in the midst of the mundane daily life...
Where is beauty looking at you, waiting for you to notice its presence?

a penny and a little more

Today marks 43 spins around the sun, and it's always worthy of a pause to reflect when I come back to this same spot when life (outside of the womb) started for me. And of course while the sun is in its same position, I am older, grayer, and not much like that big little baby that entered this world (all 10 lbs of me!).
I'm not sure why--but a birthday has always been special to me. I like to be celebrated, and I like to celebrate others' birthdays as well.  A birthday does not pass by in my household without me baking a cake. Life needs celebrations, does it not? There are many highs and lows between one birthday cake to another, and I think any excuse to celebrate and bring a little sweetness into life is called for--in EVERYONE's life. We all need to be celebrated...and I would suggest we need to feel celebrated and valued more than just once a year.
But hey, we can start with the birthday...
Today my day started with a cup of coffee...just like every single other day of the year. But it was my birthday coffee.  It's funny how you can wake up and just know...hey, today is my birthday!
And then the next thing I did was go for a birthday haircut. Oh boy...I have had LOTS OF ANXIETY about this haircut.  For lots of reasons. This past year our move to Thailand was stressful, and I lost a lot of hair. And that was sad. Really sad. I cried more than a few tears, more than a few times. And while I would like to say I am over that...I am beyond that...it's still a sensitive topic for me.  I want my thicker hair back.  BUT, hey...there's this wonderful woman on Ocean drive who has been cutting my hair for several years...and I wanted to say hi. Because you know, usually your hairstylist is more than just the one who does your hair. You build a relationship with her (or him).  And so a haircut was an excuse to get to see her again and catch up with each of our last year's...and did I mention that she has the SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME???!!!! YES, we share the same birthday! :-) So I brought a small gift from thailand to give her...
and she cut my hair.
and she did a good job...even with my thinner hair.
and then she refused money for her good job.
ummm, wow...I was speechless when I realized her hug was her way of pushing me away from the desk to pay.
OH!!!
and then she said, don't forget to read your card from me. (I had thought that was my gift...)
When I got in my car I opened the card. And there was a penny. An old penny...
and then I read...

I plan to keep that penny...a reminder that each little thing I do matters. Each little step towards celebrating others matters. Each time we celebrate, speak words of blessing, offer love in this big world of ours...it makes a difference.

So whoever dropped their penny--I've got it! And it's going to be crossing the globe back to Chiang Mai with me...as I step into living out dreams. One small step, one small move, one small gesture at a time.

Time to bake my birthday cake...

until next time