does grace expire?

does grace have an expiration date?
as in "a few days should do it for you" and then...let's move on now
do you ever feel like it's ok to have a day or two to struggle
and then day 3 you should be ok
do you ever find yourself shaking your head at yourself
what's your problem?
still struggling with that?
why can't you just get over it by now?
and you find yourself
discouraged
down
anxious
weary
alone
because if you can't allow yourself grace
then surely others can't allow you grace
and so you can't let them know you are still struggling
alone.
but does grace really have an expiration date?
a certain amount of time that you are allowed to struggle?
does grief have an expiration date?
a certain allotment of time that you are allowed to grieve the loss of a child
or a parent
or a friend?
grief comes in waves...
some days grief is intense
some days it feels manageable
some days you find yourself feeling ok
and then grief hits again
but isn't the same true for our struggles in life?
isn't grace a daily need?
can we allow ourselves grace
EVERY
DAY
day after day
moment after moment
and as we taste grace
we may be surprised to find that our struggles begin to pale
just the weight of feeling like there is no grace left
is a weight that feels unbearable
that leaves us feeling condemned
condemned that we "still struggle"
but when we are met with grace
again and again
our hearts are changed
we are changed
we begin to taste and see
how good God is
how good love is
how loved we are
how loved I am
does grace ever expire?
does it ever run out
does it ever come to an end
or is it us that withholds grace from ourselves
is it us that stops believing there's enough grace
even for me
even today
even when I find myself still struggling
"my grace is sufficient for you...
my power is made perfect in your weakness"
what would happen if we allowed grace to meet us each day
day after day
moment after moment
would we sense a lightness in the struggle
a light in the darkness
a presence in the valley
knowing we are not ever meant to go alone
not ever meant to carry it from here
grace
grace
grace
it's still here for you
today
grace

anxious and free

Having anxiety has often been something that carries a lot of shame with it.  When I first experienced panic attacks and sleepless nights that left me feeling at the bottom, I was desperate for help.  My doctor put me on antidepressants and I began to stabilize.  But in the Christian world antidepressants are not looked upon fondly.  We were headed overseas to do mission work, and I carried with me a mark of shame...something that was hard to speak about.  I didn't tell many, but because I was desperate to be known and loved, I did let one of my leaders know.  The response confirmed my fear...that to be on antidepressants showed I lacked faith.  As I would meet with this woman I would feel the need to discuss whether I was still taking the medicine, and whether I was doing everything to get off...translation: Was I praying, reading the Psalms, praising God?... and so forth.  She once said "just praise God!"  Her response left me feeling like I was lacking faith, and not doing enough.    Because to be a Christian means to not be anxious.  To have anxiety means I am sinning...I am not trusting.  I am not believing.
"Lord, help me in my unbelief..."
It was hard to be newly diagnosed with anxiety, and to have fallen to such a dark place that I would actually consider antidepressants.  I had struggled with depression for several years prior to my anxiety diagnosis, but when a doctor suggested antidepressants and gave me a sample I immediately threw them away and decided to start running and do anything I could to avoid taking medication.  I was NOT ok with taking antidepressants.  They carried a strong stigma within me, and I refused to think they might help me.  I was able to deal with the depression through running and other self-care practices, but when the panic attacks and insomnia hit in 2004, I hit such a low desperate place that I felt I had nothing to turn to but medicine.  I was so desperate for help that I said yes to the very drugs I had turned my nose up at a few years prior.
And now we were missionaries on the field.  I had a few friends who I was able to talk about it with, but very few.  As a result, it felt like a shameful thing.  If I had not had one friend in particular who had been so open with me about using medicine for her anxiety, I would have felt completely alone.  I will always be thankful that there was one person in my life who shared her story with no hint of shame. She was just matter of fact "I need them.  They help me." and this freed me to think that maybe it was ok for me, too.
But honestly I never stopped hoping that I would get off of medicine.  That I would either be healed of anxiety, or that I would overcome it, or find ways to cope with it otherwise.  And did I pray?  YES.   Because even with the meds, I still struggled.  The meds helped me get my feet back under me, but they did not take away the internal struggle of "I have anxiety".  The anxiety was less intense, and I was able to sleep...but my biggest struggle was my anxiety about having anxiety!!!
Fast forward to 13 years later.  I have sat in probably ten different counselor offices over the last 13 years, I have had healing prayers prayed over me, I have talked to Christians who would lead me through prayers of forgiveness, I have cried out to God for healing, I have welcomed Jesus into my heart countless times, and at the end of the day...I still do not feel able or free to stop taking medication.  In conclusion, I still have anxiety.  But am I sinning?  Do I lack faith?  Am I missing something?
Anxiety has driven me closer to God than anything else in my life.  I have found myself leaning on God for strength in a way that if I did not struggle I would not need to.  Without anxiety I think I would feel "able" and self-sufficient.  I would praise God because everything in my life is going just fine.  But anxiety keeps me humble, and very near to God.  Without God I could not get up out of bed after a sleepless night.  Just a few days ago the thought entered my head "if I didn't have God I would surely be an alcoholic to numb all this pain."  On my low days I can only call out to God, and to friends who hold me in loving prayer.  Does this make me unbelieving?  Does this mean I don't trust God enough?
As I sit with these questions...these very common questions in the Christian world, I am able to sense this is not how God views me.  I believe as I look up to his face I am met with such deep love.  His gaze towards me is love, not shame.  It is not him who is saying "you lack faith".  It is not him who says "just praise me more and you'll be healed".  Because he knows how open and desperate my heart has turned towards him.  He sees my suffering and knows that I have continued to look to him.  He sees my heart.
I still long for healing.  To be free of anxiety and insomnia.  To never have another panic filled sleepless night.  OH!  That would be amazing.  But as I sat with God this morning I could sense his delight in me.  And how he is using my struggle with anxiety to form a strong woman who has a story to share.  A story that says "you don't need to be ashamed of your struggle."  He is inviting me towards freedom EVEN WITH anxiety.  He is helping me see that healing from anxiety is not what equals freedom at the deep level.  I can live my life with anxiety and be free!  It is my scar, but it is not who I am.  I am his beloved daughter.  That is my story, my inheritance.  There is nothing greater than to know we are fully loved even when we are fully known in our broken places.  That is freedom!!!!

who you are

Who you are
  is not defined by your good days
or your bad days
  your highs
or your lows

Who you are
  is not equal to your clothes size
or your chest size
  or your shoe size
or your pocket size

Who you are
  is not your age
or your youthfulness
  or your grey hairs
or your wrinkles

Who you are
  is not your thigh gap
or lack of
or your tightness
or your softness

Who you are
  is not your job
or your status
  your success
or your failure

Who you are
  is not how much money you make
or how much you owe
  or how much you have
or don't have

Who you are
  is not how funny you are
or how popular you are
  or how liked you are
or how able you are

Who are you?
If all these things are stripped away
What is left?
What we define ourselves with
changes from day to day
depending on whether we have it together
or we are falling apart
whether we wore the right clothes
said the right thing
did the job well

But this keeps us in performance mode
Meanwhile our true self wonders
Would they like me if they knew the real me?
Would they turn away if they knew my weaknesses?
If they saw me on my off days...
Would I still be ok?

Oh.Shame.
We hide behind the appearances
  and the performances
We pretend (and believe) we are ok
We are ok because we have it all together

But there is fear
When things might be exposed
When our stories might be learned
When the dark places come out
When we fail to hide the ugly places

There is good news
There is hope
There is another way to be defined

You are loved
You are God's beloved
When He looks at you
he does not see performance
or ability
or style
or age
or income
or success

He.sees.you.
YOU.
as you are
beloved you
His heart is full with love for you
He even dances when he thinks of you

And his love cannot be chased away
or lost
or removed
nothing.NOTHING.NOthing
can separate you from his love

To be loved
To be defined by love
is to be free
to be yourself
who you are
truly you
no shame
no pretending
no acting
just YOU
beloved
you

You do not have to do anything
to prove your worth
to earn this love
NO.
it's just there
love flowing
like a river
waiting for you to step in
and believe it's true
washing over you
stirring in you
cleansing you
baptizing you
blessing you
beloved
i am
 well pleased
 with you

can you hear his voice
can you hear the song
can you feel the embrace
can you receive this love
you do not have to change for love
love changes you

beloved
that is who you are
be.loved
You

rest

rest

letting go
and letting be
I open my hands
stretch my arms out
feel your embrace
I am loved

rest

an invitation
to come as I am
no need to impress
nothing to prove
nothing to convince
just myself

rest

my lungs fill with air
my heart slows down
I enter nature's rhythm
here in this moment
I dance with God

rest

mustard seed faith

i have had some really hard days
surrounded by some ok days
and it's hard to talk about them
because i don't want to be defined by them
but those really hard days
do define me
as i find myself walking through the
valley of the shadow of death
i feel afraid
but he says i will
not.be.afraid
for he
is
with
me

some people have told me that my anxiety
means that i lack faith
not directly
but in their responses of what i should do
pray more
praise God more
read the psalms
think positive
stop.worrying
worry is sin
stop

i get it
i understand
and i have worried more as a result

LORD, HELP ME
in my unbelief

i lack faith
my faith is small
it's not enough
"she who has faith the size of a mustard seed..."
a mustard seed?
recently i held a mustard seed in my hand
it
was
small
so small that it fell out of my hand
and i could not find it again
mustard seed faith
so all i need is faith the size of a
mustard seed?
the size of the dot at the end of this line   .
mustard
seed
faith

so do i have anxiety
because my faith
is less than a mustard seed?

on my good days
i feel like life is ok
i can do this thing called life
it's not so hard
"thank you God!"
and i live my life
but on my bad days
i wake up with the heaviness
and i spend each moment of my day
in a battle
between fear
despair
and prayer
"help!"
i lean in desperately
i talk to God
all.day.long.

God
take this cup
from me
But, not my will
but yours
be
done

when Jesus said these words
did he not tremble?
was he not afraid?
did he not feel
anxious

but he knew
he
could
trust
the one who was leading him
through the valley of the shadow of death
of death itself

and so i know
anxiety and depression
are not the end of my story
they are marks along the way
scars on my soul
my mind
my heart
but they continue to remind me
that I am not meant to do life alone
but to lean into the one
who knows
that perfect love
casts out fear
perfect love
has the last say
perfect love
is
greater
than
my
fear

i continue to run to his arms
and receive comfort
i continue to say "yes Lord
i
need
you

i cannot do this without you
i am not
self
sufficient
i
am
weak
weary
afraid

but
you are
love
light
here

i
run
to.you.

and every time
you
soothe me
the way a mother
comforts
her distressed child
my
soul
finds
rest
in,God.alone

love
is greater
than my fear

mustard seed faith .

that's all i need
you
are
all
i
need

soul beauty (it's not for sale)

beauty.
who defines it?
who has it?

mirror mirror on the wall-
who is fairest of them all?

is beauty skin deep? or is it soul deep?

our culture cannot market soul beauty.  so it focuses on skin beauty.  hair beauty.  fashion beauty. house beauty. children beauty. anything that will cost us money.
new clothes, new car, makeup, hair products, plastic surgery, supplements, exercise, fashionable clothes to exercise in...
there's no end
and there will always be someone fairer than you to keep you enslaved to the pursuit of beauty
until you decide that beauty is
something deeper
something more precious
something money cannot buy
soul beauty

soul beauty cannot be captured by a camera
it cannot be seen by the naked eye
it cannot be capitalized on
it cannot be bought
it cannot be sold

it does not cost money
it costs your entire life
you must let go of the pursuit of outer beauty
let go of seeking to be what others value
release cultural notions of beauty
and allow yourself to step aside
to listen to the one who created you
hear the voice of love speaking into your soul
telling you, whispering to you

"child, woman, man...
you are the fairest of them all
I love you
you are mine
beloved
there is treasure in your jar of clay
listen to my voice
know your true value
let me put my hands on you
shape you
heal your wounds
touch your soul
let me 
love you
hold you
have you...
keep your money in the bank
just give me your soul
and you will know beauty that is eternal
that never fades
will shine like the stars in the heavens
beloved, you are mine
which beauty will you choose?"

the storm

do you find yourself watching the news and feeling fear rise higher than the sea level of your soul? do you find yourself holding your breath wondering what's next?

does it ever catch up with you and pin you down?

what do you do?  turn off the news? only to look around and see that there is plenty to fear right here around you?

how do we not just give into the fear? how do we not just manage the fear by numbing it...turning on the latest sitcom, scroll Facebook, eat more...

is our only hope that we can just ignore the cries of the suffering in our world?  how do we know where to begin when suffering is everywhere.  and the news is like a zoom in lens...searching for the suffering to blare into your living room and heart

and soon our hearts either burst or become numb.  what can I do?  it's too much.  too much for me to know what to do

I find myself angry...pointing fingers at the president.  pointing fingers at "them", maybe even shaking my fists at God.  if only "they" would stop our world would be better.  we want to blame someone, anyone, for the suffering.

but are we left with nothing to do except make a sign and protest?  is that all there is?  we are told that we need to get off our lazy rears and get out there.  shake our fists at the oppressors.  change the world.

fear.  fear.  fear.
it's everywhere.
fear.  fear.  fear.
here, there, everywhere
even our answers are marked by fear

caught in the whirlwind of fear I react.  I cannot see straight.  I see the problem.  I see the haters, the oppressors, and I want them to be gone.  I want justice.  and all I can see is the urgency of fixing the problem.  act now.

but in the middle of the hurricane is the eye of the storm.  literally the place where it is calm.  the storm rages all around, but in the center there is peace.
stillness.

when we are caught in the storm we become a part of the storm.  even our best intentions, they can be full of confusion.  when we react to the storm, we create our own storms.  when fear becomes anger and rage and hatred...we are allowing our hearts to become a new storm

a storm does not end another one

there is another way.  step outside of the storm, or find yourself in the middle.  when we know our center, and our hearts remember what is true...we have something to offer.  when we have a hold on true north, the way forward, we have something true to offer.  we will not create a new storm.  we will offer a way forward, a way that is marked by peace, by love

but it looks slow.  it may feel slow.  it may not even be noticeable.  everyone stirred up by the pain, the suffering, the rage, the brokenness...

but he speaks "peace, be still" to the storm.  and we must step aside and hear this voice so that we can be this voice in our world

taste the peace, know the peace, and you will be the peace, you will have the peace to offer

but when you become the storm, you will create another storm...

Jesus, divine love,
we find ourselves in the middle of a storm.
all we see
all we feel
is the rage of the storm
and one storm seems followed by another
sometimes there is hardly a breath or pause between
what can we do?
how can we keep going?
is it ok to step aside and rest?
to hear that you are with us?
will this be enough?
will I have anything to offer others...
We cry out, Lord, help us!
It's too much
help us to not run away
help us to not give up
help us to not be reactive
Show us how to be your light
your peace
your love
Our world is starving
broken
hurting
suffering
But you are light
love
hope
peace
Show us the way