moving thoughts

As we get close to moving day, I feel a swirl of emotions.  It is a space of liminality...neither fully here, while not there either.  We are in that strange place of betwixt between.  Most of our conversations with people are around our leaving "Are you excited?" which is a hard question to answer because right now in the midst of moving, I don't feel a lot of excitement.  But if I say no then it sounds like we don't really want to move.  If I say yes, it feels hollow because right now we have SO much to do to make this move happen.  And I'm doing my best to live in the present moment.  So, I usually say "yes and no"...and then explain if they give me a wee bit of time to do so.  Yes, we are excited about this move...it is our dream!  That is what propelled our decision to do this crazy move (yet again) across the ocean.  But right now in this moment? No, I don't feel a lot of excitement because most of the time my thoughts are around how our present tense life is slipping away.  Our friends, our home, our daily sites, the beach...soon all will be new and different.  We will drive new roads, we will go to a new school, new grocery store, new friends, new church, new, new, new...

And we will not see what we see now anymore.

There is both excitement and expectancy

while there is also sadness and grief

And isn't that true when big transitions are being made?  It is rarely straightforward.  We can feel so many emotions all at once.

Last night I asked my son if he was feeling excited about our move to Chiang Mai.  Yes, I asked him the dreaded question that people keep asking me.  I mostly asked it to test his response.  He's my quiet child who doesn't express his emotions (unless it's the extreme ones like anger, or crying because he's hurt...)  To know what's going on inside of him is always a curios thing for me...  And he said "yes and no".  Then he quickly said "no...friends", "yes...mountain biking".  Ha! The insights you get from a child's mind.  He went on to say other no's, and other yes's.  Other reasons he is excited and not excited about this move.  Why did I ask him this dreaded question?  Because I was trying to help him pause for a moment and process what is happening to his world.  For 4 years my boys have had a stable home.  Not everything has been easy.  But our sense of home has been rooted in a single place.  This is the longest stretch we have ever lived in one home (since Pete and I got married!)

Change.  So much change.  It's a time of simplifying, purging, making space for new things.  I am sifting through old memories, wondering which ones to keep in physical form.  Which memories are enough to hold internally alone.  

Making space...

for new things

This is not an easy thing to do.  But I think that we all long for space in our lives.  To lighten the load of what we carry around, internally and externally.  But it's rare that we have reason to force this to happen.  Moving is a great time to force what is not natural for us.  To lighten our loads.  To let go. To release. To part with old things. To make room for what is new.

But now is the time for us to take advantage of what is not natural

and make space for something new

and to also appreciate the goodness of these last years.

It's a sentimental time

and it's an expectant time

And yet, it is also simply this moment

today.